


The Mirror's Image

by Elorianna



Category: Arctic Monkeys, Last Shadow Puppets, Milex - Fandom
Genre: Angst and Feels, First Time, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Milex Origin Stories, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, canonesque, occasional drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-01-23 11:28:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 40,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18548854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elorianna/pseuds/Elorianna
Summary: Miles is in a rut. Life in London suddenly seems a whole lot less colourful now that Alex has moved away to LA for good. When Alex invites him over to the States for a summer holiday, Miles jumps at the chance for a reunion and a much needed break. However, across the pond Miles finds his best mate embracing his new identity as a rock star, and he begins to discover that his feelings for Alex are much more complex than he’d previously imagined…





	1. Chapter 1

_When we walked the streets together  
All the faces seemed to smile back  
_ _\- The Last Shadow Puppets_

 

“Hi, I’m Alex, what’s your name?”

The boy was slight with tousled brown hair that curled around his ears and he looked at Miles with a shy smile. Miles found himself smiling back. That was how it started.

***

In the beginning, some people had said it was a little freaky, how alike he and Alex were – not only in their looks but in their tastes too. They loved the same music, the same bands, and they shared the same silly sense of humour. Sometimes, Miles felt, it was like looking in a mirror.

There were contrasts as well, of course. Alex had always been the more introverted of the two of them. He was happiest at home, sat at the kitchen table and chewing on the end of a biro with a page of half-written lyrics in front of him. Miles, meanwhile, was most comfortable when he was on the stage, the centre of attention, wielding his guitar and hollering into the mic.

Somehow, they met in the middle. Whenever Miles was around Alex, it was as though all his sharp edges grew softer. Alex, in turn, seemed to come out of his shell whenever he was with Miles. He became more confident, more playful.

They lost track of countless hours in each other’s company. Miles had never spent so much time with one person without getting sick of them, but with Alex it was different. Miles could never get enough of him. During tours, they would disappear backstage with their guitars and find some quiet corner to sit and play together, snatching as much time to themselves as they could before the rest of their band members came looking for them.

It hadn’t been long before they’d started talking about making their own record, and to Miles’s delight Alex had suggested temporarily ditching their regular bandmates so that the two of them could team up. They’d spent two intense weeks together in France recording their album, barely leaving the studio. In the evenings they’d drunk copious amounts of red wine and stayed up talking late into the night. Those two weeks were permanently etched in Miles’s memory like one of those songs you could never get out of your head. Writing music with Alex, well… it had felt as if they were dismantling the world and then rebuilding it again in a new way – a better way.

And afterwards? Alex had gone back to the Monkeys, of course. Miles had always known that he would. It was inevitable. But when Miles embarked on his solo career, Alex was there beside him – supporting him, writing with him – and even as the Monkeys became bigger and more famous, his friendship with Alex endured. There was a connection between them that had only grown stronger with time. It was something that neither fame nor ego could touch. No matter what happened, they were always just Alex and Miles.

And then, one spring, around seven years after the night they’d first met, Alex moved to LA.

He left Miles behind.

***

Miles sat alone at his kitchen table, nursing a cup of black coffee and staring out of the window with a fixed expression. It was supposed to be the middle of August, but the weather was making it feel more like November. A typical British summer. The rain pattered rhythmically against the glass and the clouds hung huge and heavy over the city. There was nothing more depressing than London in the rain.

Alex had been gone for almost five months now, and Miles had seen him only sporadically during that time. On the few occasions that Alex had come back to visit, they’d hung out together just as they’d always done – but somehow it wasn’t quite the same. Miles didn’t like the fact that he couldn’t just pick up the phone and call Alex whenever he felt like it anymore, because of the stupid time difference thing. He couldn’t just wander round to Alex’s flat on a Friday night to hang out or to grab a few beers. He’d gone from seeing his best mate every other day to sometimes not speaking to him for whole weeks at a time. It was taking him some time to adjust.

Or at least, that was what he’d told himself in the first few weeks after Alex’s departure. He wasn’t sure what his excuse was meant to be now, nearly five months later. Alex’s absence oughtn’t to still be bothering him this much. After all, it wasn’t as though he was short of other friends, and he was busy all the time working on his new album or playing local gigs. He was living in London for Christ’s sake, surrounded every day by the life and noise and excitement of the city. He ought to have been having the time of his life.

It wasn’t even as though this was the first time that Alex had left him to go live on a different continent. Alex had lived in New York for a couple of years after they’d done their record together. But then, of course, he had come home again. Miles had somehow sensed that he would, and it had made the separation easier to bear. This latest move was different, though. Miles had a feeling in his gut that, this time, Alex wouldn’t be coming back. The space between London and LA seemed much larger, somehow, than it had between London and New York. Alex seemed a long, long way away.

Miles cast his eyes around the flat. It was a mess. The piles of records stacked on the floor beside the sofa competed for space with various amps, guitars and other bits of musical paraphernalia. There were several pairs of trainers scattered around haphazardly wherever he’d happened to kick them off and you could barely see the walls for the Beatles posters stuck everywhere. Usually the colourful pictures of his heroes cheered him up, but today Lennon and McCartney stared back at him with eyes that seemed oddly sad.

Christ, what was the matter with him? He loved his flat. He’d always thought of it as his home. Despite the mess, it was a cosy, welcoming space that he enjoyed coming back to every night. Still, at that moment with the bleak grey light filtering in from outside, it just seemed colourless and empty. Miles sighed. It was the bloody weather’s fault. No wonder he felt so sodding miserable.

His phone vibrated with a harsh buzz against the kitchen table and he jumped. His heart gave another little jolt when he saw that it was Alex calling. _Speak of the devil_. He grabbed the phone and held it to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Hiya Miles!” came the familiar voice. “Just thought I’d give ya a quick buzz. What are you up to?”

Miles’s heart sank a little. His best mate sounded proper chirpy. No doubt Alex was having an amazing time over there in LA, without him.

“Not up to much, to be honest, mate,” Miles said. “Weather’s pretty shit. How about you?”

“Mate, the weather’s amazing here,” Alex said. “It never rains. I mean, like, never. We’ve been going to the beach or for a barbecue almost every day after rehearsals.”

“Wow. Sounds awesome, man,” Miles said. He tried to keep his voice sounding upbeat, but the silence on the other end of the line suggested that he’d missed the mark.

“Miles,” Alex said. “Are you alright, like?”

“Yeah, course lad,” Miles said. “You know me.”

There was another short silence. Then Alex said, “Hey, why don’t ya come out here?”

Miles frowned. “What d’ya mean?”

“I mean,” Alex said, “Why don’t ya come out here and visit us? I’ll show you me new pad, give ya a bit of a tour of the place. You can come see the studio.”

Miles hesitated. “I dunno, mate. I mean, I know yer busy ‘n all that. I wouldn’t want to be in yer way–”

“Don’t be daft,” said Alex. “I want to see ya. Come on, it’s been ages since we hung out properly.”

Miles felt the edges of his mouth turning up. The warmth in Alex’s voice indicated that Alex really did want to see him. And who knows, maybe a trip to LA would even do him some good. Maybe it would help him get out of this weird funk he was in – a change of scenery and all that.

“Yeah, alright then,” Miles said. “I’ll book a flight sometime this week.”

“Hang up the bloody phone and do it now,” Alex said.

Miles laughed. “Alright, then, if you're that eager.”

“You bet I am,” came the reply. Miles shook his head, still smiling. Alex could be an outrageous flirt at times, but it was all in the name of good fun.

“Okay, I’m doing it,” Miles said. “I’ll see ya in a couple of days.”

“Looking forward to it, mate,” Alex said, and then he hung up.

Miles couldn’t quite wipe the daft grin off his face as he booted up his laptop. Now that he thought about it, this was exactly what he needed – a holiday and some sunshine. A couple of weeks would do the trick. He’d sort his head out and be back to his usual chipper self in no time. Still smiling, he booked a return ticket from London to LA on the earliest flight that he could find.


	2. Chapter 2

_Yet there’s still this appeal_  
_That we’ve kept through our lives_  
_But love, love will tear us apart again_  
_Love, love will tear us apart again_  
_\- Joy Division_

 

A couple of days later, Miles found himself sitting in a very different kitchen to the one he’d left behind at home. Whereas his own kitchen was petite, functional and looked out over the London rooftops, the kitchen in Alex and Matt’s shared house was light, bright and airy, with high ceilings and large windows, and it overlooked a huge sprawling garden. The sun was beating down on the grass outside and Miles could see the heat rising from the ground and rippling in the air. It wasn’t even midday and yet the temperature was already sweltering.

Alex and Matt were still asleep, but Miles had woken early, full of anticipation for the day ahead. He’d flown into LAX late yesterday afternoon, said some bleary-eyed hellos, and then gone straight to bed to sleep off his jet lag. He’d barely been awake enough to register his surroundings properly. Now, though, he was fully recovered and buzzing with excitement for a day of adventure spent with Alex in his mate’s newly adopted hometown.

“Mornin’ sunshine.”

Miles looked up to see Alex shuffling into the kitchen in boxers and a t-shirt. Alex went straight for the coffee machine, turned it on, and then rubbed a hand casually through his sleep-ruffled hair. Miles watched him. He still hadn’t quite gotten used to Alex’s new haircut. He could still recall the shock he’d felt when he’d first seen his friend without his familiar mop of wavy brown tresses. The old style had been so perfect for Alex in a lot of ways, chiefly because it gave him a curtain to hide behind when he wasn’t feeling up the endless merry-go-round of socialising and schmoozing. And although Miles thought the quiff suited him – he definitely had the face for it – it also left him rather exposed. Whenever Miles looked at Alex now, he was all wide brown eyes and cheekbones, and Miles couldn’t help but feel a strange sort of protectiveness towards him. It was a daft feeling. Alex was more than capable of looking after himself.

“Mornin’ sleepyhead,” said Miles. “What’ve we got planned for today?”

Alex lifted his arms above his head and stretched. “I thought we could head down to the beach, do some swimmin’ and then get some lunch,” he said. “And then later on, we can meet up with the lads and go for a drink, if that works for you?”

Miles grinned. “Sounds like my perfect day.”

Alex smiled back at him lazily, his expression still sleepy.  “Sorted. I’ll drink me coffee and then we’ll go.”

***

Around an hour or so later, Miles was happily stretched out on a sun lounger in his swimming trunks and shades. He could hear the waves hissing softly against the sand, and the screams and laughter from the people on the fairground rides in the distance. The air was full of the tangy aroma of caramelised onions from the nearby food stalls.

He was just thinking how perfect the weather was when an unexpected shadow fell across his face. He opened his eyes and looked up, but the sky was still as cloudless as ever – it was only Alex standing over him. His hair was dripping wet and his skin looked like it was covered in hundreds of tiny diamonds. He looked down at Miles, grinned, and then shook his head rapidly back and forth like a dog.

“Oi, ya wanker,” Miles said, holding up one hand to shield himself. “Yer gettin’ me all wet.”

“That was the idea,” Alex said. “Stop layin’ about and come for a swim.”

“Sod off, I’m workin’ on me tan.”

“You’ve got the whole of next week to work on ya bloody tan while me ‘n the lads are in the studio,” Alex said. “Come on, the water’s warm.” He lent down, grabbed hold of Miles’s hand and tugged him to his feet.

Miles sighed. There was no point in trying to argue with Alex when he was in one of his determined moods. “Alright, alright. But you’ll have to put some more sun cream on me back when we get out.”

Alex grinned. “I can manage that,” he said. He kept a loose hold of Miles’s fingers and pulled him down to the edge of the water. They waded in together until the water was up to their waists, and then Miles plunged in all the way up to his neck. It was just like being in a warm bath. The surface of the water glimmered in the sunlight and Alex bobbed up and down beside him, his hair swept damply back from his face.

“So, I’m guessing yer enjoying it out here in sunny California?” Miles said.

“Man, I love it,” Alex said. “The weather’s great, I can ride me motorcycle every day, and the studio’s amazin’ – ya have to come down and see it tomorrow.”

Miles smiled a little wistfully. Alex really did look happy, and Miles couldn’t blame him. They were a long way from the cloudy skies and rainy streets of England. Miles thought again about home, and his cosy one-bed flat. London was a great place to be, but he had to admit that it wasn’t quite the same as having the beach right on your doorstep. And of course, there was another thing that LA had now that London didn’t.

Miles watched as Alex ducked beneath the surface of the water and then bobbed back up again. Alex grinned at him, his brown eyes crinkling up with amusement. Miles couldn’t help but grin back. He wasn’t quite sure how best to tell Alex that he missed him. He was afraid it would just come out sounding awkward and sappy. For the time being, he forced himself to push the sentimental feelings away. There would be plenty of time for all that sort of nonsense later, once they’d both had a few drinks.

They swam back and forth and messed about in the water for a while longer until Miles began to grow a bit chilly, and then they both headed back up the beach towards the sun loungers. Miles dried himself off roughly with the towel and then handed the sun cream to Alex with a meaningful look.

Alex gave a little snort of laughter. “Turn around, then.”

Miles sat down with his back towards Alex. He heard Alex squirting the cream from the bottle and rubbing it between his hands to warm it. Then he felt Alex’s hands on his back, rubbing small circles with his fingers all around Miles’s shoulder blades and down his spine.

“Do you maybe want to go to a club later?” Alex said. “I know a place that’s meant to be good.”

“I’m up for it if you are,” Miles said. He felt Alex’s fingers move back up to his neck and begin to massage the knots between his shoulders.

“I’m always up for it,” Alex said.

Miles shook his head and smiled. “The innuendoes never stop with you, do they?”

“I have no idea what you’re on about, mate,” Alex said, but Miles could hear him smiling too. Alex gave Miles’s shoulders a final squeeze and then let go.

Miles twisted round and held his hand out for the sun cream. “Want me to do you, too?”

Alex shook his head. “Nah, I’m gonna let meself burn a little,” he said. He tossed the bottle on to the ground and lay down on one of the loungers, one arm draped lazily over his eyes. His skin was already a deep brown from the sun and he looked as though he’d been working out. His arm muscles were definitely bigger than Miles remembered from the previous summer, and his abs were more defined too.

“Are you staring at me, Miles Kane?” Alex mumbled.

Miles blinked and turned his gaze away. He lay down quickly on his own sun lounger. “Wasn’t staring,” he said. “Just looking. Haven’t seen ya for ages, have I?”

“S’alright,” Alex said. “Looking’s free. Anything else’ll cost ya.”

Miles rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah, how much?”

“A couple of beers.”

Miles snorted. “Didn’t know you were so cheap, mate.”

“Only for you, baby,” Alex drawled in the deep crooner voice that he’d recently started using on stage.

That, along with the haircut, was another thing that Miles hadn’t quite gotten used to. Alex’s new extroverted stage presence was so unlike the shy boy that Miles had met backstage all those years ago that he wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. It was strange to see his best mate up there acting like a completely different person. Not _bad_ different, necessarily – no, not bad. In fact, although it was a bit of a weird thought, Miles had to acknowledge the fact that Alex was _sexy_ on stage now, in a way that he hadn’t been before. He’d always been good looking of course, but the difference now was that he seemed to own it, to revel in it, and to enjoy the reaction he knew he was getting from the ladies in the crowd. Miles didn’t blame him. If he’d had Alex’s looks, he’d have no doubt been doing the exact same thing.

Miles closed his eyes and felt the warmth of the sun on his face. He was going to miss this weather when he was back home in London. Right now though, the promise of two whole weeks of sunshine, and lazy days spent hanging out with Alex, stretched out ahead of him like an eternity. He intended to make the most of every second.

***

The two of them arrived at the bar just as the sun was beginning to set. The sky was streaked with smudgy grey clouds that glowed underneath just like cigarette embers. Miles followed as Alex led them both through the main entrance to the building. The interior of the bar was dimly lit, and the air-conditioning felt blessedly cool on Miles’s sun-heated skin. The whole place was kitted out with dark wooden floorboards and vintage furniture. Dotted here and there were glass tables and Victorian-looking sofas, and the walls were hung with portraits of George Washington and Benjamin Franklin. Miles recognised their faces from the dollar bills in his wallet. The main bar ran the entire length of the room and behind it hung a huge mirror housed in an imitation gold frame.

Despite the fact that it was still early, the place was already rammed and the buzz of conversation nearly drowned out the sound of 50s rock and roll that was blaring from the loud speakers. Miles spotted Matt and Jamie leaning against the bar waiting for them, both holding bright coloured cocktails. Matt was dressed amusingly in one of the Arctic Monkeys’ own band merch t-shirts, as well as a pair of washed out looking Levis. He saw Miles coming and waved. “Alright, Miles?” he said. “What’re ya havin’?”

Miles clapped Matt on the shoulder as he reached him. “Alright, mate. Something with vodka in it’d be favourite, ta.” He turned to face Alex’s other bandmate. “Y’alright, Jamie?”

“Yeah, man,” Jamie gave him a wide smile. He was sporting a leather jacket despite the warm weather and his hair looked freshly clipped at the sides. “Good to see ya. How was the flight?”

“Ah, ya know,” Miles said. “Bit of turbulence ‘n that but I slept through most of it, to be honest.”

Alex bounced up beside Jamie and grabbed hold of Miles by the elbow. “I bagged us a couple of sofas by the window,” he said. “Come on, before someone else nicks ‘em.”

Miles grinned and let Alex drag him across to the other side of the room. He slid into the space between the sofa and the low glass table and Alex piled in after him. Jamie sat down opposite Miles, and Matt arrived shortly afterwards with their drinks.

“So what have you two lads been up to all day?” Matt said.

“Been at the beach, mate,” Miles said. “Sunbathing ‘n that.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” Matt said. “Alex, you’re burnt to fuck.”

Miles looked across at Alex beside him. His mate was indeed looking a bit pink in the cheeks. “Don’t feel sorry for ‘im,” Miles said. “He did it deliberately, as per usual.”

“What?” Alex said, holding out his forearms and inspecting them. “Don’t it make me look more endearing?”

“No, ya daft wanker,” said Jamie. “Ya look like a boiled lobster.”

Alex gave a lazy shrug and ran a hand through his hair. “You’re just jealous of me tan,” he said.

Jamie snorted and began to debate the point, and then Matt joined in too. Miles just smiled and let them bicker with each other. It felt good to be hanging out with the Monkeys again after so long. He downed half his drink in a couple of swallows and felt his head begin to buzz pleasantly. He could already feel all his muscles relaxing, and he was looking forward to getting a bit sozzled and then maybe having a good old heart to heart with Alex. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say, exactly, but he felt the urge to express something to Alex about how much he missed having him around. Miles was sure he would do himself some good by getting all that sentimental crap off his chest.

Just as he thought it, Alex slung an arm around Miles’s shoulders and gave him a tight squeeze. “Y’alright, man?” he said. “You’ve gone all quiet.”

Miles could feel the heat of Alex’s sunburn radiating through his clothes. “Jesus, Al, yer like a ruddy furnace,” he said. “Yer never gonna be able to sleep tonight.”

“I weren’t planning on it,” Alex said, and he gave Miles a grin that was brimming with mischief. “Plenty more interestin’ things to do round here than sleep, eh?”

“Oi, you two,” Matt said. “Don’t make me have to tell ya to get a room.”

Miles laughed and made a face at Matt. He was used to the gentle ribbing that he sometimes got from the other Monkeys about the closeness of his friendship with Alex, and he knew that Matt didn’t mean anything by it. It was just background noise by this point. Miles glanced across at Alex to see whether his mate was sharing in his amusement, but Alex was looking away towards the far side of the room. Miles followed his gaze towards a tall, muscular looking bloke in a tight white t-shirt and skinny jeans. Miles didn’t recognise him, but he appeared to be signalling to Alex.

Alex withdrew his arm from around Miles’s neck. “Back in a minute,” he said. “Get us another drink, would ya, mate?” He stood up and began pushing his way past people towards the guy who was waving at him.

Miles shrugged. “You lads want another?” he said. Matt and Jamie both nodded at him, so Miles got up and made his way back over to the bar to order another round. The queue for drinks was several people deep by this point and it took a while for him to get served.

“Alright, mate,” he said, when he finally got eye contact with the bartender. “Could I get two Bloody Marys, a couple of Manhattans and four Sambuca shots?” The bartender nodded and moved off to grab various bottles from behind the bar.

“Hey,” said a soft female voice at Miles’s elbow. “Excuse me, but are you from England?”

Miles turned to look at the woman stood next to him. She was wearing a slinky black dress and heels and she had Hollywood written all over her. Bronzed skin, a cascade of blond hair and a smile that looked like it belonged in a toothpaste advert.

“Erm, yeah,” Miles said. “Near Liverpool, actually. Though I’m livin’ in London at the moment.”

The woman beamed at him. “I’ve always wanted to go to London. It looks like such a beautiful city. Do you live over there with your boyfriend?”

Miles’s eyebrows shot up. “Me what?”

“Oh, don’t worry. I saw the two of you cuddling over there by the window, you guys are such a cute couple.” She gave him a reassuring smile, and he clocked the fact that she was referring to Alex.

“Oh, nah it’s not like that,” he said quickly. “We’re just mates.”

The woman looked surprised. “Oh, I’m sorry,” she said. “I thought… well, it just looked like your friend had a bit of trouble keeping his hands to himself.” Her cheeks pinked a little as she met his eye and then she laughed, clearly embarrassed.

“Ah, don’t worry about it, pet,” Miles said, smiling at her in what he hoped was a friendly and disarming way. “You’re far from the first person to have made that mistake.”

“Well, that’s a relief,” she said, smiling more broadly again. Miles grinned back at her.

The bartender reappeared with a tray holding Miles’s drinks and Miles took it from him. “Thanks, mate.” He turned back to the woman. “Well, it was nice meeting you…?”

“Lisa,” she said, tucking a strand of her blond hair behind her ear as she spoke.

“Hi Lisa, I’m Miles. I’d shake yer hand, but…” he shrugged his shoulders to indicate the tray of drinks that he was holding.

Lisa laughed. “Well, Miles,” she said. “If you’re not otherwise engaged, perhaps you’d like to join me and my girlfriends for a drink a bit later?”

Miles tried not to grin too widely. He was certainly tempted by the invitation. Lisa was stunning and it definitely seemed like she was up for a laugh. He forced himself to push the idea away though – it was only his first night out in LA with Alex and he didn’t feel right just abandoning his mate to go chasing a hook-up. “I appreciate the invite, doll,” he said. “But maybe another time, yeah? Got some catching up to do with me mates tonight.”

Lisa’s smile stayed fixed on her face, but she looked a little disappointed. “The offer’s there if you change your mind,” she said. “Have a good night.” She sashayed past him with her drinks and he watched her go, half wondering if there was something wrong with him. _Too late now_. He shrugged it off and headed back to the table.

Alex was still missing when he got back and Jamie had wandered off somewhere as well. Matt was currently engrossed in something on his phone. Miles sat back down and scanned the room, looking for Alex. There he was, over by the bar still talking to that muscle-head in the white t-shirt. The guy was almost a foot taller than Alex, and beside him Alex looked almost dainty. Miles took a sip of his Bloody Mary and watched them over the top of his glass. They seemed to be having quite an intense conversation. Alex was frowning, his shoulders slightly hunched as the bigger guy talked in his ear. The guy was punctuating whatever he was saying by pressing his index finger repeatedly into Alex’s chest. Alex was shaking his head now, and it looked like he was about to turn away and leave, but then the guy grabbed a handful of Alex’s shirt and tugged him back.

Miles half rose in his seat, a quick pulse of adrenaline shooting through him. For a second he thought that the bloke was about to hit Alex, but then the moment passed and nothing happened. Alex’s expression remained the same and he seemed unconcerned about the fact that he was being manhandled. The other guy still had his fist in Alex’s shirt though, and he was speaking to him even more emphatically than before.

“Y’okay, Miles?” Matt said. “What’s the matter?”

Miles pointed towards the bar. “Who’s that guy over there talking to Alex?”

Matt looked over. “Oh that? That’s just one of us mates, you wouldn’t know ‘im. He was one of the guitar techs we ‘ad when we were touring with the Black Keys.”

Miles sat down again, slowly. “He’s gettin’ a bit handsy though, ain’t he?”

Matt shrugged. “Nah, I wouldn’t worry about it.”

Miles took another sip of his drink. If Matt said it was okay, then it was probably okay, but that weird protectiveness that he felt for Alex had sprung up in him again and it was harder to push it away when it looked like Alex was being held in a conversation against his will by a guy nearly twice his size. Okay, a bit of an exaggeration, but still.

Miles was relieved when he saw Alex heading back towards their table, though he noticed that Alex was still frowning and chewing on his bottom lip.

“Everythin’ okay, Al?” Miles said.

“Yeah, yeah, s’fine,” Alex said. He slid into the seat beside Matt instead of the one next to Miles. “That were just Benny, he needed to tell me summat. Is that Bloody Mary for me?” He picked up the drink and took a large swig. Then he picked up one of the Sambuca shots and downed that too.

Miles looked at Alex speculatively, but Alex had taken a sudden interest in his phone and was busily tapping away at the screen, not looking at Miles. His dismissal of Miles’s question wasn’t particularly convincing, but it was obvious that he didn’t want to say anything further on the subject, and so Miles decided to let it drop.

The music in the bar had changed to something with a slightly darker vibe and Miles recognised the low dulcet tones of Joy Division coming through the speakers. The early evening drinkers clad in casual shorts or summer dresses had mostly vanished and been replaced by a crowd that looked to be taking its drinking a bit more seriously. The bright coloured costumes had faded to black, the men wore shirts instead of vests, and the women had skin that shimmered gold under the dim lights.

Jamie reappeared at Miles’s elbow and slid into the seat next to him. “Lads, ‘ave you seen them girls what just walked in the door?” He gave a low whistle and shook his head.

Alex looked up from his phone. “Nah, what girls?”

Jamie pointed and everyone turned to look simultaneously at the group of women currently setting up camp at a nearby table. They definitely didn’t look like the sort who’d spent all day tanning themselves at the beach. Actually, for some of them sunshine looked like it might be a foreign concept. Everything was fishnets, leather, metal, and black nail polish. There was one girl in particular whose skin was as pale as white marble, except for the black and grey tattoos that decorated her upper arms. Her hair was cut into a severe black bob and she wore a leather spiked collar around her slim neck. Miles noticed that Alex was staring at her like she was some kind of alien from another planet. Hell, maybe she was.

Matt caught sight of Alex’s expression and laughed. “I don’t think you’re her type, mate,” he said.

“Maybe not,” Alex said. “We’ll see.” He stood up and smoothed back the sides of his quiff with both hands.

Miles caught hold of Alex by the elbow. “Hey, you’re not ditchin’ me are ya? I thought us and the lads were gonna go to a club after?”

“I’m just gonna go talk to ‘er for a bit,” Alex said, but he didn’t quite meet Miles’s eyes as he said it. “Cookie ‘n Helders’ll keep ya entertained while I’m gone.”

Miles wanted to point out that he had come to LA to spend time with _Alex_ , not with Cookie or Helders, but he could hardly say that out loud without sounding like a twat. He let go of Alex’s arm. “Alright, then, go knock yerself out.”

Alex ran his hands through his hair once more and then set off with a determined stride towards the goth girls’ table. A heavy feeling settled at the bottom of Miles’s stomach. _So much for getting drunk together and having a heart to heart chat_. Miles found he’d suddenly lost his taste for booze. What he really wanted just at that moment was to go home and sleep. It wasn’t gonna happen though, he couldn’t just take off for no reason or the other lads would think something was wrong. Jamie got up and offered to go get in another round, and Miles resigned himself to having to carry on drinking for at least a little while longer.

***

An hour or so later and Miles was several cocktails drunker, but no happier. He tried blearily to focus on the conversation at the table, but his eyes kept drifting over to where Alex was still sat surrounded by the group of goth girls. Apparently he was their type after all, and it looked like he was enjoying being the centre of attention. The girl with the marble skin was cozied up so close to him that she was practically in his lap.

Miles’s eyelids were starting to feel heavy and he was fast losing the incentive to stay awake. He leaned forward and touched Matt on the arm. “Listen, lads, I think I’m gonna turn in early, head back to the house for some more kip.”

Matt looked surprised. “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, m’fine,” Miles said, waving away Matt’s concern. “Guess I just didn’t get over the jet lag as well as I thought, tha’s all. Listen, I’m just gonna slip out. When Alex comes back just tell ‘im I’ll see ‘im tomorrah, yeah?”

He saw Matt exchange the briefest of glances with Jamie. “Sure, mate, I’ll tell ‘im.”

Miles nodded, grateful that neither Matt nor Jamie seemed about to press him any further. He stole one last quick look at Alex but the lad was clearly still preoccupied, so Miles took his chance and exited the bar discretely without saying good night.

***

Miles let himself into the house with the spare key, shuffled his way through the open-plan kitchen and living room area and flopped down on to the sofa. He was utterly spent and ready for bed, but the room was spinning in a way that wasn’t pleasant and he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep until he had sobered up a bit.

That heavy feeling was still sitting in his stomach, or maybe it was just nausea. Either way, it was coupled with a growing sense of resentment. If he’d known that Alex was going to ditch him for some bird, he would have taken that girl Lisa up on her offer and had a far better night of it. Instead he’d done Alex the courtesy of prioritising him over a meaningless shag, and look where that’d got him. He rubbed both his hands roughly over his face and breathed out a long sigh. There was no point in being angry at Alex. He was the kind of person who went after what he wanted, and Miles could hardly blame him for that. Still, he’d never dumped Miles for a bird on a night out before. Maybe this was another part of the new Alex that Miles would just have to get used to, along with the 50s greaser quiff and the sexy rock star persona.

Miles tried to push the uncomfortable thoughts out of his head. He lay back on the sofa and closed his eyes. He’d just rest there for just a few more minutes and then head up to bed. Things would probably seem a bit less bleak in the morning.

***

Miles opened his eyes with a start. He felt the corner of the sofa digging into his back and realised that he must have fallen asleep in the living room after all. He was going to have one hell of a crick in the neck to deal with in the morning, on top of a hangover. But it wasn’t the discomfort that had woken him. _What was that noise?_

He lay quietly in the dark for a minute and listened. There it was again – the sound of female giggling coming from the kitchen area behind him, and then a deeper voice that kept saying _shush_. Miles froze. It had to be Alex, back from the bar, and by the sounds of it he’d brought company. Miles’s view of the kitchen was blocked by the back of the sofa, which meant that they couldn’t see him either, but the last thing he wanted was for Alex to find him there, all crashed out in a messy drunken heap. He lay very still and hoped that Alex would hurry up and take the girl upstairs, so that he could sneak back to his own room undiscovered.

Alex didn’t seem to be in any hurry to do that, though. Miles could hear them whispering to each other, more giggles, and then the wet sound of kissing. It was almost pitch black in the room, which somehow made the sound seem closer and louder. There was a rustle of fabric, more kissing noises, and then the girl made a soft moaning sound. Miles felt the blood rush immediately to his face. _Oh_ _no, this can’t be happening. Please, not this_. In a slight panic, he wondered whether he could slip out of the room in the dark without being noticed, but there was a high chance they’d hear him. He didn’t know the layout of the room well enough and it was sod’s law he’d trip over something. On the other hand, if Alex and his date decided to relocate to the sofa, they’d discover him anyway. Miles lay still, paralysed with indecision. The sounds from the kitchen continued unabated. The girl uttered a little gasp at whatever it was that Alex was doing to her. Miles could make an educated guess, and he tried not to think about it, but it was hard to stop his imagination from running wild in the dark.

There was another rustle of clothing and then silence. Miles didn’t dare move. His heartbeat was so loud, he was afraid it would wake the whole neighbourhood. Still silence. He stared blindly at nothing. _Please god don’t come over here_.

Then he heard it. The tell-tale sound of a zipper being pulled down. His mouth dropped open of its own accord. And then Alex gasped. All the hairs on Miles’s arms stood on end, and the blood rushed straight from his face to somewhere else entirely. There was a wet sucking sound that _definitely_ wasn’t kissing. Now Miles could hear Alex breathing. Actually, panting was a more accurate description of what Alex was doing. He felt his own breathing quickening in response, and then, to his dismay, he felt a pulsing sensation in his groin that began to grow in intensity. _You have got to be havin’ a fuckin’ laugh_. This ought not to be happening. He ought to have felt mortified, or repulsed, to be overhearing the noises that Alex was currently making, but apparently his body had missed the memo on that one.

It got worse. Alex began to whimper, and the sound sent prickles of heat racing across Miles’s skin. He was actually sweating now. There was a low ache in his belly and a growing pressure at the front of his jeans, but still he didn’t dare move. If he got caught here now, it would be too horrific for words. He had no choice but to lie completely still, with Alex’s moans burning unwanted images into his brain. He could picture Alex leaning back against the kitchen counter, his hair falling over his forehead in a messy tangle, his eyes half closed and his mouth open in an O of pleasure. Why was his brain torturing him like this? The desire to touch himself, to relieve that pressure, was becoming unbearable. He pressed his face into the sofa cushions to stifle the sound of his own rapid breathing.

The little cries that Alex was making suddenly ratchetted up to a higher pitch. He sounded like he was coming undone. Whatever the girl was doing to him, she was doing it well. There was a slight scuffling sound, and then Alex rasped, “Stop… stop a sec… let’s go upstairs. C’mon.”

There was more scuffling, and then the creak of the stairs under foot. The sounds faded, and from somewhere on the floor above came the soft _snick_ of a door being closed. Miles almost collapsed with relief. His whole body felt like an over-tightened string, ready to snap. His hand went straight to the bulge in his jeans… and stopped. Christ, what was he thinking? He couldn’t do that. How would he look Alex in the face ever again if he did that? He felt his cock twitch and he nearly moaned out loud. His body was crying out to be touched, but he just couldn’t do it. He shoved his face back against the cushions and cursed, forcing himself to lie perfectly still until the trembling subsided. His blood flow slowly returned to normal, and his head began to pound. It felt like the beginning of the worst hangover in the world. He got unsteadily to his feet and half-walked, half stumbled up the stairs to the guest room. He climbed into the bed still fully clothed and pulled the duvet up over his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack  
> [Love will tear us apart – Joy Division](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuuObGsB0No) (song that was playing in the bar)


	3. Chapter 3

_Last night got a hold of me_  
_I can’t wrestle free from my head_  
_\- The Last Shadow Puppets_

 

When Miles woke the next day, the sunlight was already streaming into the room through the gap in the curtains. His mouth tasted like the bottom of his shoes and his skin was sticky with last night’s sweat. He forced himself out of bed and into the en-suite bathroom where he undressed and then stood beneath the shower head for ten solid minutes, filling the whole room with steam. He doused himself with cold water afterwards for good measure, but it didn’t have the desired effect. Soundbites from the previous evening were replaying on an endless loop inside his head, and it felt as though no amount of showering was ever going to make him feel clean again.

He pulled on a plain white Fred Perry polo shirt and a pair of jeans, dressing slowly, delaying the inevitable moment when he would have to go downstairs. His face heated with embarrassment every time he thought about Alex. How was he supposed to get through the day with those images seared into his mind? What would he say if Alex asked him what was wrong? _For fuck’s sake,_ _get it together, Kane_. He would just have to repress it, that was all. Repress the memory, try not to think about it. Eventually the filthy soundtrack in his head would stop, it would have to. He just had to wait it out, and in the meantime try to keep a straight face.

He summoned his nerve, stepped out into the hallway and made his way downstairs to the kitchen. The scent of bacon filled his nostrils as soon as he pushed open the door, and he was faced with the sight of Alex stood over the stove in a white vest, a spatula in one hand, an unlit cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth, and his hair unmussed and perfect as if the previous night had never even happened.

Miles gave a quiet cough. Alex turned around at once, a devil-may-care grin flashing across his face. “Mornin’ sunshine,” he said. “How’s the hangover?”

“It’s pretty bad,” Miles admitted. He flicked his eyes towards Alex and then quickly away again, trying to avoid eye contact but without seeming to do so. He pulled out a stool and sat up at the breakfast bar. “Got any coffee?”

“Yeah, I’ll make ya some,” Alex said. He hit the button on the coffee machine and it whirred to life. “Hey, listen, I’m sorry about last night.”

Miles felt his heart stutter. “Last night?”

“Yeah, you know. I’m sorry I left ya to talk to that girl. It were a shitty thing to do on your first night out in LA. I didn’t realise I’d been chattin’ for so long, and when I looked up you’d already left.”

“Oh, that,” Miles said. “I mean– it’s fine, don’t worry about it. As long as ya had a good night.”

“It were alright, like,” Alex said. “Turned out she weren’t that into me after all, so I came back home by meself after Cookie and Helders went on to the club.”

Alex turned back to the stove and flipped the bacon over with the spatula. It landed back in the pan with a low sizzle. Miles frowned at the back of Alex’s head. Why the hell was Alex lying to him about what he’d got up to last night? Perhaps he felt guilty for having had such a good a time without Miles and he was trying not to rub it in. It was the only logical reason that Miles could come up with, but it troubled him to think that his best mate felt the need to lie to his face just to preserve his feelings.

He schooled his face into a neutral expression as Alex turned back to face him. “I want to make it up to ya,” Alex said. “How about we go out clubbing just the two of us one night while you’re here?”

“Mate, you don’t havta make it up to me–“

“Nah, but I want to,” Alex said. He grinned again, that same loose, reckless grin. “I said I wanted to spend time hanging out wi’ ya and I do. So, you up for it?”

Miles managed a weak smile. He was actually grateful now for his horrendous hangover. At least if Alex noticed something was off, he could just blame it on that. “Sure, mate,” he said. “Sounds like a plan.”

Miles reached out for the coffee that Alex had poured for him and took a deep swallow, while Alex served up a full English breakfast for the two of them. They ate it in what was a passable imitation of a companionable silence. Alex refused when Miles offered to help him with the dishes, which seemed like further evidence that he was feeling guilty about ditching Miles to get laid. The dirty soundtrack got louder again in Miles’s head. _Go away, damn it_.

“You still comin’ wi’ us to the studio?” Alex said, breaking into Miles’s thoughts. Miles considered for a moment whether to say no. His hangover was raging and he could really have done with more sleep. On the other hand, if he was in the studio with the Monkeys making a racket all day, at least it would drown out the noises in his brain that he really didn’t want to hear anymore. _Fuck it_.

“Yeah, I’m coming. I’ll just go grab me coat, meet you out front?”

***

Miles stood on the driveway, realising the mistake that he’d just made. “We’re going on that?”

Alex was already seated on the motorcycle in his leather jacket, tucking his hair into his helmet. “Yeah, why not? What’s the matter, you’ve been on the back of me bike before.”

“Yeah, I know, but–”

“It’ll sort ya hangover out mate, trust me.” Alex chucked the spare helmet in Miles’s direction with a wide grin. “C’mon, Miles,” he said. “Hop on.”

There was no getting out of it, not without causing questions. Miles reluctantly pulled the helmet down over his face and straddled the motorcycle behind Alex. He supposed there was always the option of holding on to the backrest, but they’d never ridden that way before. Miles had always wrapped his arms around Alex’s waist whenever he’d been on the back of the bike, and that’s what Alex would expect him to do now. If he didn’t, Alex would definitely suspect that something was up.

Miles took a deep breath and gingerly slid his arms around Alex, feeling the squeak of his leather jacket. His stomach felt like a jar of bees. Of all the moments that he could have ended up in Alex’s personal space, why did it have to be right now, with that embarrassing broken record of his best mate’s sex noises playing over and over in his head? _Get a grip, Kane, for fuck’s sake_.

“You good to go?” Alex said, his voice slightly muffled by the helmet.

“Yeah, I’m good.”

Alex revved the bike and the vibrations shot straight up Miles’s legs and into his groin. That was when he realised his second mistake. He still hadn’t given himself any relief since yesterday’s clusterfuck of an evening, and now, what with the buzzing of the bike, the sounds and images still ricocheting around in his brain, and the warmth of Alex’s body against him, he suddenly felt like he was on a hare trigger.

The bike lurched forward, forcing Miles to grip Alex tighter around the waist, and then they were moving. Miles could feel his whole body humming with kinetic energy. Pleasurable tingles chased up and down his legs like an electrical current. He was hyper aware of every place where the bike was touching him, and every place where Alex was touching him too. He blushed furiously inside his helmet. He tried to think of something else.

They sped down Los Feliz Boulevard at what felt like 100 miles an hour. Low peach-coloured buildings and the occasional palm tree whipped past on both sides of the road. Miles recalled Alex’s appetite for speed when on the motorcycle, and he gave him a slight squeeze, which was his usual signal that Alex should slow down. Alex braked and the momentum caused Miles to press up harder against Alex’s back. They rounded one corner, then another, and then Alex was cutting swiftly through the traffic on Hollywood Boulevard. They shot past apartments, coffee shops and restaurants, made a couple more turns and then finally Alex pulled over beside a nondescript looking building on another palm tree-lined street. The revs died and the motorcycle began to tick gently as the engine cooled.

Miles undid his helmet and lifted it off, but he stayed sat on the bike. He didn’t quite trust himself to stand up just yet. His knees felt weak and his skin was still warm and tingling from the ride. Alex pulled off his own helmet and turned round to look at Miles. Miles could feel his face heating up again as he locked eyes with Alex, and he prayed that Alex wouldn’t notice how flustered he was.

“We’re here,” Alex said. He detached himself from Miles’s grip and lifted himself off the bike. “Need a hand getting off?”

Miles groaned inwardly at Alex’s choice of words, but he reached out and took his mate’s outstretched hand and stepped carefully down on to the pavement. Thankfully, his legs seemed to be functioning properly, but the bees in his stomach had now escaped from their prison and colonised his entire body. He was shaking slightly and he wasn’t sure if it was with adrenaline or testosterone.

Alex led them up to the entrance of one of the buildings and they slipped inside. Miles blinked as his eyes adjusted from the bright midday sunshine to the more muted lighting of the Sage and Sound recording studios. The foyer was like a throwback to the 1970s, all brown leather sofas and wooden panelled walls. The carpet looked like an acid tripper’s worst nightmare.

“Wait’ll ya see the studio, we’ve got some proper vintage recording equipment,” Alex said. Miles nodded and said nothing. He followed Alex down a corridor and through a door marked Studio B.

Everyone else was already inside waiting for them. Nick looked up with an earnest smile as they entered. “Hey Miles, how’s it goin’?” he said. He shook his bouncy brown curls out of his face and stepped forwards to give Miles a hug.

“Hey Nick, long time no see, man,” Miles said. He nodded to Matt and Jamie. “Alright, fellas?”

“Yeah, mate,” Matt said. Miles pretended not to notice the way Matt glanced at him, then at Alex, and then back again. “How’s the head?”

“I’ll live,” Miles said. “I heard you and Cookie hit the clubs last night ‘n all.”

“Yeah, t’were a good night, ya shoulda stayed out wi’ us,” Jamie said. “Got a bangin’ headache now though, mind. ‘Ere, Helders, pass us the water would ya?”

Alex clapped his hands together. “Right, lads, what are we doing then?”

Miles collapsed into a soft leather chair at the back of the room while the others fell to discussing which tunes they were going to run through for the next couple of hours. He cast his eyes around, noticing the mugs of tea and open cartons of juice strewn about on various surfaces. It was a cosy little studio space and it looked like the lads had made themselves right at home. Miles felt his nerves beginning to settle a little – as he’d hoped, being in the studio was a welcome distraction from thinking about certain things that he’d much rather just forget.

“Miles,” Alex said. “Are you alright to watch from in here for a bit while we go practice in t’other room?”

“Yeah, course,” Miles said. “M’looking forward to seein’ what you’ve been workin’ on.”

Alex gave him a shy smile, and for a fleeting instant Miles was reminded of the soft, introverted boy that he’d always known Alex to be – but then just as quickly as it had appeared, the smile was gone again, buried underneath a cocky grin. Alex gave Miles a departing squeeze on the shoulder and then the four lads trooped next door and took up their instruments on the other side of the glass. Miles moved forward, closer to the glass screen, so that he could watch them.

They didn’t muck about, but got straight into the first song. Matt counted them in on the drums and then Alex joined in with a heavily distorted guitar riff and they launched into the first verse. Miles blinked. In an instant, right before his eyes, Alex had suddenly transformed into the sexy, swaggering rock star character that had become a regular feature at the Monkeys’ live shows. It was like some kind of sleight of hand magic trick. One minute Alex was there, and the next there was this impersonator who was exerting sexual charisma like a magnet, attracting every breathing person in the vicinity towards him. But there was no one in the vicinity right now except for Miles. No fans, no screaming crowd. The performance that Alex was putting on was for an audience that consisted of Miles alone. He frowned slightly at the thought. _Why is he bothering to go all out like that when it’s only me watching?_

He found his eyes unwillingly drawn to the constant movement of Alex’s hips and the way he pressed his mouth against the microphone as he sang. It was a strangely fascinating sight. Alex continued to repeat the same distorted riff on the guitar and Miles tried to switch his focus away from Alex’s movements and towards the words of the song instead.

_Do I wanna know_  
_If this feelin’ flows both ways_  
 _Sad to see you go_  
 _Was sorta hopin’ that you’d stay_

Miles had heard the song before, but for some reason today it sounded different. Alex’s voice seemed lower, deeper and more resonant. It was giving him a weird sensation in his stomach, kind of like the feeling he got when he was just about to step out on stage in front of thousands of people. He felt full of a tingling, restless energy, but with no way to release it. It just kept buzzing around inside him with nowhere to go.

The song reached its climax and there was a brief pause while Alex adjusted some knobs on the amp, and then the band began to play again. This next song was new to Miles, slower and more melancholic, and he sat up straighter in order to listen properly. Alex left his guitar alone this time and instead lifted both hands to the mic. He closed his eyes at first as he sang, but after some moments he looked up and Miles met his gaze through the glass.

_Secrets I have held in my heart_   
_Are harder to hide than I thought_   
_Baby I just wanna be yours_   
_I wanna be yours_   
_I wanna be yours_

The raw emotionality in the lyrics brought a lump to Miles’s throat, and Alex sang them with heart, almost as though he meant every word. His voice was like some kind of siren song. It made Miles feel as though he was floating in a wide empty sea, gradually being pulled further away from the safety of land. He rode the waves of Alex’s voice, caught in the current, and it felt as if he was slowly slipping beneath the surface, sinking down into some unfamiliar ocean inside of himself. What was this feeling? It felt like drowning and flying both at once. His arms broke out in gooseflesh and he shivered, and still Alex was singing as though he was calling to Miles, pulling him out of his depth and down into those deep bottomless waters.

It was suddenly difficult to breathe. Miles grasped at the arms of his chair, seeking something solid to hold on to. He needed air. He tore his eyes away from Alex, yanked himself to his feet, and stumbled out of the studio door into the corridor. He walked back the way they had come. Once outside, he leaned heavily against the wall of the building and dug through his pockets for his cigarettes. He put one to his lips, fumbling awkwardly with the lighter, and took a long shaky drag. His thoughts were racing through his mind in a chaotic whirl. _What is this feeling? What the hell is happening?_

It was Alex. There was something about Alex that was different. Miles didn’t know what it was, but it seemed like his best mate suddenly wasn’t the same shy-smiled, soft-eyed boy that he remembered any more. Could something about coming to LA have made him different? Or was it just all the months that they’d spent apart which had caused Miles to see him differently? Either way, something significant had changed. It was as though he was seeing Alex for the first time, and last night’s fuckery was somehow intensifying his strange new perspective.

Miles pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. He’d come to LA for a fucking holiday, for Christ’s sake, and that was all. There had been no subtext to his motives, other than a simple desire to see his best friend again – how had everything suddenly got so complicated? Was it really possible that… somewhere along the way… he’d become attracted to Alex without consciously realising?

Perhaps he’d simply taken their friendship for granted for too long. He’d been unprepared for the void in his life that’d opened up after Alex had moved away for good. Could it be that these sudden feelings were just a weird but temporary reaction to the new long-distance nature of their friendship? Miles found himself fervently hoping so. Despite their shared physical affection and closeness, there had never been any indication that Alex saw him as anything other than a mate, and the same had always been true vice versa. Miles shook his head. The awkwardness of last night, coupled with his heavy hangover, was clearly impairing his judgement right now. He had to shake off these bizarre feelings. The last thing he wanted was to risk causing damage to his and Alex’s long-standing bond.

He stubbed out the cigarette on the wall. His only option was to act normal and wait for the strange feelings to pass. Perhaps if he just forced himself to spend as much time with Alex as possible, he’d get used to being around him again and he’d stop seeing him as this unfamiliar person to whom he was suddenly, inexplicably attracted. Alex was still just Alex, after all. If the two of them could just hang out enough, Miles was sure that they’d quickly slip back into their old, comfortable companionship – and then surely all of this madness would disappear and everything would be back to normal.

Having thus talked himself round, he took a deep breath, gave himself a little mental shake, and then headed back inside to the studio.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the third chapter guys - hope you're enjoying reading this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it! Comments always appreciated :)


	4. Chapter 4

_Hiding from himself_  
_As well as everybody else_  
_\- The Last Shadow Puppets_

 

Alex said nothing about Miles’s sudden dash for the exit in the middle of the band’s practice session, and a couple of hours later he and the lads finished up their rehearsals for the day. Miles managed to blag a lift back to the house in Matt’s car, thus saving himself from another awkward ride on the back of Alex’s motorcycle. The only downside was that he and Matt ended up stuck in the rush hour traffic, whilst Alex was able to weave his way between the cars and escape. He soon disappeared up the road ahead of them.

Matt drummed his hands on the steering wheel as they waited for the line of cars in front to move. “So, what did ya think to the new tunes?” he said.

“Fantastic, mate,” Miles said. “They’ve got a real groove to ‘em, ya know?”

“Yeah, Al reckons it’s some of the best stuff we’ve written and that’s sayin’ summat. You know what a bloody perfectionist he is.”

Miles laughed. “Yeah, man, I know.”

There was a pause. Miles wound down his window and looked out at the gridlock. The air was full of the hum of car engines, occasionally punctuated with the odd horn blast or curse word.

Matt kept drumming idle patterns on the wheel with his fingers. “Hey,” he said. “Is everything alright between you and Al?”

Miles gave him a sharp look. “Yeah, why? Why wouldn’t it be?”

Matt shrugged. “I dunno. I just thought I could sense… like an atmosphere or summat between the two of ya today.”

Miles shook his head. “Nah, mate. Everything’s peachy.”

Matt said nothing, and it seemed like he was waiting for something more, but Miles kept his mouth firmly shut. The silence between them felt kind of dangerous and he didn’t trust himself to fill it. Eventually Matt leaned forward to turn on the radio. The traffic began to move again.

“You know, he really misses ya,” Matt said after a while.

Miles gave Matt a sideways glance. “He does?”

“Yeah. He don’t say owt, but he’s been moping around the house and making me life a misery since we got here. After he found out you were coming to visit, he perked right up. Couldn’t get him to shut up about all the things the two of ya were gonna do, and the places he was gonna take ya.”

Miles felt an involuntary smile tug at the corners of his mouth. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. It were giving me a right headache.”

Miles laughed. “I miss ‘im too,” he said. “I miss ‘im a lot, actually.”

Matt nodded, as if to say that he’d known that already. Miles felt a sudden impulse rising up in his throat, and he pressed his lips together tightly before the words could spill out everywhere. He couldn’t confide in Matt about his strange new feelings towards Alex. Matt would think he’d gone wacko.

“Ya know,” Matt said. “You should think about maybe comin’ out here for a longer spell. Maybe workin’ out here for a bit.”

“You mean, move out to LA? I dunno man, that’s a helluva move. Expensive too.”

“You could always stay wi’ the two of us for a bit, til ya get set up. Give it some thought, yeah? I know Al’d be glad to have ya around.”

Miles smiled again. “Sure, mate. I’ll definitely think about it,” he said. The idea that Alex was missing his company was giving him a warm glow in his chest, but as to whether or not it was a good idea for him to move out to LA? Well, that would depend on what his motivation was. There was certainly a good case to be made for basing himself out here in order to record music, but a much less convincing one for uprooting his entire life just because his LA-based best mate was suddenly giving him a bad case of the warm fuzzies.

Matt turned a corner and a moment later they were pulling up on the driveway outside the house. Miles’s confession still lingered unspoken in his throat, but fortunately it seemed as though the moment had passed. Matt undid his seat belt and got out of the car, and Miles let out a sigh. It was, of course, for the best that he’d said nothing. His feelings for Alex would pass, and then no one would ever have to know that they’d existed in the first place.

***

The smell of popcorn greeted them as they entered the living room. Alex was in the kitchen area again, this time laying out packets of Doritos and dips.

“Hi, honey, I’m home,” Matt called out to him.

“Piss off,” said Alex. “You guys were ages.”

“Traffic was a state,” Matt said. “What’s all this for?”

Alex opened a cupboard and pulled out a large tray, as well as several empty bowls. “I thought since we’re all nursing hangovers, we’d stay in ‘n have a movie night. Can’t ‘ave a movie night wi’out snacks, can ya?”

“That’s true,” Miles said. He tried not to smile as he watched Alex tip the Doritos into a bowl and then straighten them with his fingers to make them look neater. “What are we watchin’ then?”

“Anything ya want,” Alex said. “There’s DVDs on the shelf next to the TV.”

Miles went over to the shelf and began looking through Alex’s collection. It was a mish mash of crime thrillers, westerns and arty looking foreign movies with subtitles. Miles sighed. “Don’t ya ever watch any romantic comedies?”

Alex snorted. “You and your bloody romantic comedies. Ask Matt, he probably has a copy of Pretty Woman you can borrow.”

“Fuck off,” said Matt amiably. “Just stick the telly on, maybe there’s summat on one of the movie channels.”

Miles sat down on the sofa, picked up the remote and began flicking through. “Looks like we’ve got a choice of three. We can have a cheesy-lookin’ 80s rom-com–“

Alex interrupted, “No chance, I’m vetoing that.” The microwave pinged and he pulled out the popcorn and tipped it into another large bowl.

“–or we can have some old black and white flick about the war–“

“No,” Alex and Matt both said in unison.

“Well, that settles it then,” said Miles. “We’re watching Die Hard.”

“Works for me,” said Matt. He settled himself in one of the armchairs.

Alex set the popcorn, Doritos and dips on the coffee table and then thumped down on the sofa beside Miles. “And me,” he said. “I mean, who doesn’t like Die Hard, right?”

Miles grinned at him. “Right.”

The three of them helped themselves to handfuls of popcorn and Miles turned up the volume on the TV. They’d probably all seen the movie at least twenty times each, but it was perfect hangover fodder. Miles always found it vaguely comforting to re-watch old favourites whenever he was feeling worse for wear. As it turned out, the channel was actually playing a lengthy Die Hard marathon comprised of the first three films back to back, and as no one could agree on anything better to watch, they decided to commit themselves to a whole evening spent watching the entertaining misadventures of Detective John McClane.

The room grew gradually darker around them as the sun went down, but nobody could be bothered to get up to turn on a light. Half-way through the second film, Matt fell asleep in his chair, his mouth partially open and his head tipped back. Alex chucked popcorn at him when he started snoring softly, which had no impact whatsoever other than to give Miles a fit of the giggles. They started taking it in turns to flick the popcorn, trying to get it to land in Matt’s mouth or down his shirt.

Eventually one of the projectiles smacked Matt right in the eye and he woke up with a startled grunt. “The fuck ya doin’?” he said. “Wankers.”

Miles broke into a fresh crop of giggles. “He started it,” he said, pointing at Alex. Alex grinned and ducked down behind Miles’s shoulder as Matt lobbed a handful of popcorn back at them.

“That’s it,” Matt said. “I’m going to go get some kip, can’t get any peace around here with you two.” He got up and stretched. “See yas in the mornin’ probably.”

“G’night, mate,” Miles said, still giggling.

“Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite, baby,” Alex called out in a low sing-song voice as Matt climbed the stairs and disappeared up to his bedroom, leaving the two of them alone. It was pretty dark in the room now. The only source of illumination came from the TV, which cast flickering shadows across the walls.

“Shall I turn on the lights?” Miles said.

Alex shrugged. “Nah, leave it. S’more atmospheric watching movies in the dark, innit?” He tucked his feet up under himself and turned his attention back to the film.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

Miles settled himself back against the cushions, stifling a yawn. He gazed at the back of Alex’s head for a second. This was fine, this was normal – they’d watched movies together like this a hundred times before. All the awkwardness from earlier in the day seemed to have faded and he finally felt comfortable and at ease with himself. _See? You were worrying over nothing._

He turned his eyes back to the TV, where the final film in the trilogy was just beginning. He tried to focus on whatever it was that John McClane was complaining about, but a warm heaviness had begun to invade his limbs and settle on his eyelids. His whole body felt loose and languid. He blinked slowly a few times, and then exhaled and closed his eyes, telling himself that he would just rest them for a few minutes, and then he’d get up and make some more popcorn.

***

When he opened his eyes again, the room was still dark but some other random film had taken the place of Die Hard. He’d fallen asleep on the sofa for the second time in two days, and this time he wasn’t alone. Alex had slumped against his side and was breathing deeply, his eyes closed, his head resting lightly on Miles’s shoulder. His quiff fell in a soft tangle over his forehead and Miles’s fingers twitched with a sudden urge to brush the hair away. He swept his eyes over the contours of Alex’s sleeping face and took a long, careful breath. Alex looked so peaceful sleeping there, his face so open and unguarded, with all traces of cocky self-assurance gone. Watching him, Miles felt that sense of protectiveness creeping over him again, only this time it was tinged with something else.

He reached out hesitantly and ran the very tips of his fingers ever so lightly through the curl of dark hair that had fallen across Alex’s face. He could feel every inhale and exhale of Alex’s breath against his side. _What is this feeling? Is this real?_

Alex stirred in his sleep and Miles quickly withdrew his hand. Alex didn’t open his eyes, though. Instead, he lifted one arm and slowly snaked it around Miles’s waist. _Oh_ _Christ on a bike_. Miles held his breath, unable to move. All he could think about was the feeling of Alex’s arm curled softly around him.

What the hell was he supposed to do now? He was trapped in the grip of a very soft, warm, and extremely cuddly Alex. Since when had their relationship progressed to full on cuddling? _It hasn’t, idiot. Al’s asleep, he doesn’t know what he’s doing. You ought to wake him._ But Miles didn’t want to wake him. Not yet. He carefully lifted his arm and wrapped it around Alex’s shoulders, pulling him ever so slightly closer. Alex sighed gently in his sleep, and that little sigh almost killed Miles. His heart fluttered in his chest like a caged bird trying to break free. He closed his eyes, trying to memorise the moment, wishing it would never end.

Alex hummed softly and then stirred again. “Hmm… Miles?”

Miles looked down at Alex as he blinked his eyes open, still sleepy and half-aware. “I’m here,” he said. “You nodded off.”

Alex withdrew his arm slowly from Miles’s waist and rubbed his hand across his eyes. “I did?”

“Yeah, mate.”

“Oh.” Alex yawned and ran his fingers through his hair. “Sorry, like. Didn’t mean to fall asleep on ya.”

“That’s alright, I don’t mind.” _If only you knew how much I don’t mind._

“M’gonna head up to bed, I think,” Alex said. He pushed himself away from Miles’s side. “You going to bed too?”

“Yeah, I’ll be up in a bit,” Miles said. His side felt cold where Alex was no longer leaning against him. “I’ll see ya in the morning, yeah?”

“Sure,” Alex said. “G’night, then.” He got up, stretched, fetched a glass of water from the kitchen and then creaked his way up the stairs.

Miles continued to sit on the sofa after Alex had gone, staring into space. _You have to get a hold of yourself, Kane. You have to control your feelings, for the good of your sanity_. Easier said than done. Alex, the cuddly little shit, was not helping at all. Nevertheless, Miles was determined. He would stick to Alex like glue for the next two weeks, just as he’d planned. He would overwhelm himself with so much Alex that by the time he was due to fly back home, they would both be heartily sick of each other. It would be like a kind of exposure therapy, facing and thus conquering his fears. It would work.

Miles sighed and rubbed both his fists into his eyes. _It’d better bloody work_.


	5. Chapter 5

_I wanna love you but I better not touch_  
_I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop_  
_I wanna kiss you but I want it too much_  
_\- Alice Cooper_

 

 

Over the next few days, Miles stuck religiously to his plan. He went with Alex everywhere. They had breakfast together every morning, and then Miles went with him to the studio to watch the Monkeys rehearse until mid-afternoon. Afterwards they either went to the beach, or to the bar, or they came back to the house and had a barbeque and a dip in the pool. Despite Miles behaving as though he was Alex’s shadow, he and Alex were rarely actually alone together. Matt was always at the house, and Jamie and Nick were there too more often than not. Miles wasn’t sure whether he felt frustrated or relieved about that. He suspected it was a mixture of both.

Whenever he wasn’t otherwise occupied, Miles tried to bury himself in ordinary things like playing his guitar or attempting to write new material for his album. It was hard to concentrate though, and too often he found his attention wandering.

One afternoon he was sitting on the sofa, noodling away on one of Alex’s acoustics, while Alex was perched up at the breakfast bar working on some lyrics. Miles was trying to work out a rather complicated melody pattern in D minor, but he was getting nowhere fast with it. Eventually he realised that this was because his eyes just kept drifting away from the fretboard. Five times in the last hour he’d caught himself staring at Alex instead of paying attention to what he was playing, so it was no wonder he wasn’t making any progress.

His eyes drifted back over to Alex again now. His friend’s dark head was bent over a sheet of paper covered in scribbles, and he was wearing a frown of concentration and chewing on the end of a pen. Miles knew better than to interrupt Alex when he was working. He also knew that Alex very rarely allowed anyone in the same room as him if he was writing new lyrics. Miles was special in that regard. Alex allowed Miles to be there because Miles’s presence didn’t disturb him in the way that other people’s did. _You’re like part of me brain furniture_ , Alex had once said to him. _You don’t get in the way of me thoughts – you’re just sorta there in the background, like white noise._

Miles wished he could say the same about Alex, but the kid was proving to be the worst kind of distraction. Miles’s feelings towards him hadn’t simmered down in the way that he’d hoped they would. In fact, much to his dismay, the more time he’d spent with Alex, the more his feelings had intensified, and now he was at a point where the temperature seemed to rise every time Alex entered the room.

He watched as Alex set his pen to the paper and started writing again. His process was always one of fits and starts, quick bursts of scribbling followed by long periods of staring into space. Miles had never met anyone as dedicated to song-writing as Alex, and he admired his friend intensely for it. Observing him now as he worked, Miles realised that he missed writing and recording with Alex almost as much as he missed Alex himself. They’d made some pure magic together during those two weeks in France. Sadly, all of that seemed very long ago now.

Alex caught Miles by surprise by suddenly looking up from his work. He met Miles’s gaze and a slow crooked smile spread across his face. It was like watching the sun coming out from behind a cloud, and Miles swore he could almost feel the warmth of that smile on his skin. Then Alex looked back down at his notes and carried on writing, and Miles’s grip on the neck of the guitar grew exponentially tighter. _Oh Christ. I’m really in trouble._

*******

It was Saturday afternoon, and just over a week since Miles’s first night in LA, when Alex decided to resurrect his plan of taking Miles out to a club. Alex had latched on to the idea that he still owed Miles a night out after ditching him that first evening at the bar, and nothing that Miles said could dissuade him. Once Alex had decided he was going to do something, there was little point in trying to get him to change his mind.

As Alex had promised, it was just the two of them. They started off with a few drinks in several different bars, before making their way to a club that had been recommended by one of Alex’s new LA friends. Miles felt dubious as they stood in the queue, listening to the heavy thump of the bass coming from inside, but Alex seemed in high spirits and up for a laugh, so he decided to go along with it.

Inside, the music was much louder – so loud that the walls were shaking with it. Miles could barely see five feet in front of him with all the dry ice hanging in the air like mist, and the sweat from all the bodies on the dancefloor seemed to be dripping down from the ceiling. Everywhere there were girls dressed in little more than their underwear and blokes dancing with their tops off.

Alex had to shout in Miles’s ear before Miles could understand what he was saying.

“What?”

“I said I’m goin’ for a piss, can ya grab us a drink?” Alex repeated.

“Yeah, okay, meet you back here in a bit.” Miles watched as Alex bobbed away through the crowd, and then he turned to fight his way to the bar. After securing their drinks, he found a safe spot at the very edge of the dancefloor where he was less likely to get hit in the face by flailing arms and legs.

Alex took his time in getting back from the toilets and Miles was about to go looking for him when he spotted him bouncing around on the dancefloor with some bird. Miles waved to get his attention and Alex saw him, his face splitting open in such a wide grin that Miles thought the top of his mate’s head might actually come off.

He bounced over to Miles and retrieved his drink. “Sorry, man, I got distracted on me way back,” he said. He grabbed hold of Miles’s hand. “Come with me, I found this other room downstairs. They’re playing this bonkers music, ya have to come n’ have a listen.”

“Okay, I’m comin’, I’m comin’,” Miles said as Alex pulled on his arm and began to drag him along.

They pushed their way through the throng and Alex led them down some steps and through a set of double doors. The heat in the room on the other side of those doors hit Miles full force in the face. It was like walking into one of those hothouses where they keep tropical butterflies, only it was people flapping about inside instead of insects. The floor was vibrating with the stomping of so many feet, and everything was flickering in and out of focus with the strobe lights, making Miles feel as though he was watching a film with half of its frames missing.

If the scene in front of him _had_ been a film, then someone was clearly leaning on the fast forward button. He’d never seen people dancing so frantically, and it was no wonder – the speed of the music was beyond ridiculous. Miles cocked an ear towards a familiar sounding lyric. _Fuck me, is that Alice Cooper?_ Miles shook his head in disbelief. Perhaps it had been an Alice Cooper tune once, but the tempo was at least three times what it ought to have been and the song had been twisted and remixed almost beyond recognition.

And in the midst of all the noise and chaos, there was Alex, jumping up and down and laughing his head off as though the music pumping out of the speakers was the funniest thing he’d ever heard. He grabbed hold of Miles by the arm and dragged him into the middle of that sweating, writhing dancefloor, and immediately they were both absorbed into the beating, pulsing heart of the crowd. Bare seconds later, Alex yanked his shirt off over his head and stuffed it into the back of his jeans. He continued jumping around in just his vest, the gold chain round his neck bouncing and glinting in the strobe lights. Miles laughed and followed suit. It really wasn’t his type of music at all, but he was getting a buzz off how crazy Alex was acting, as well as the positive vibes coming from the crowd. Everyone around them was dancing and grinning and waving their arms, just like Alex was.

Something clicked in Miles’s head. He looked back at Alex and noticed how large and dark his eyes were. He was wearing a faraway expression like he’d just seen something amazing, somewhere off in the distance. Miles caught hold of Alex’s arm and pressed his mouth close to his mate’s ear. “Are you high?” he said.

Alex looked back at him, still grinning. “Who, me?”

Miles let out a sigh. “What’ve ya had, man?”

“Nowt much, just a pill some girl gave me back at the last bar. M’fine, mate. I’ve got another if ya want one?”

“Nah, I’m good. Come on, let’s go ‘av a breather, yeah? Yer sweating buckets.”

Alex nodded placidly and hooked his arm around Miles’s waist. Miles slung his own arm around Alex’s shoulders and led him off the dancefloor, back upstairs and outside to the smoking area around the back of the club. The sweat practically hissed off Miles’s skin in the cooler air, but he could see that Alex was shivering. He tugged Alex’s shirt free from where he’d tucked it into the back of his jeans, and wrapped it around his mate’s shoulders.

“Thanks, man.” Alex said. They headed towards an empty patch of ground and sat down. Alex leant his head back against the wall and gazed up at the sky, smiling at nothing. Miles could still hear the steady pulse of the bass coming from inside the club, but out here it was quieter. It was a calm night with no wind, and the heat of the afternoon was still radiating from the concrete. Miles could feel it warming his back as he lent against the wall. Other people were standing around here and there, smoking and talking in groups, but no one was paying him and Alex much attention.

Miles extracted the bottle of water that he’d grabbed on their way past the bar. He passed it to Alex. “Here, ‘ave some of this – but just sip it, don’t down it, yeah?”

“I know, I know.” Alex took the bottle and looked at Miles with a soft, contented expression, his eyes twinkling. “You’re always lookin’ after me, aren’t ya?”

“Someone has to,” Miles said. “Yer a fuckin’ liability sometimes.”

Alex laughed. “Yeah, I guess I can be,” he said. “What would I do wi’out ya, eh?”

Miles breathed out a little sigh. “I dunno, mate, I think yer doin’ fine without me actually. I mean, look at ya, livin’ out here in LA, makin’ the dream happen–“

“S’not much of a dream wi’out someone to share it with,” Alex said abruptly.

“What d’ya mean? Ya’ve got Matt and Jamie and–“

“Yeah, I know. But it’s not the same when you’re not here.” Alex gazed back at Miles with his huge, dark eyes. “I really miss ya, man,” he said. He reached up and cupped the back of Miles’s head in his hand, pushing his fingers into Miles’s hair.

Miles suddenly forgot how to breathe.

“Why don’t ya come and live out here wi’ us?” Alex went on. “I can tell that ya like the place. You could get an apartment, keep workin’ on your solo stuff, and maybe we could start writin' together again – what d’ya think?”

It was hard to think about anything while Alex was working his fingers back and forth like that against Miles’s scalp. The gentle touch was sending hundreds of tiny shivers racing over his skin and up and down his spine. He knew he wouldn’t be able to string a sentence together if he tried to speak right now. In any case, he wasn’t even sure how to answer the question. He wanted more than anything to tell Alex that yes, he would come out to LA, but how could he? How could he agree to move to LA whilst he was still harbouring this strange infatuation? On the other hand, he wasn’t sure which would hurt more, being with Alex every single day whilst having to hide the way he felt, or being separated from him permanently by thousands of miles. It seemed like either way, he was fucked.

“I dunno, man,” he said, eventually. “It’s kind of a big decision, let me think about it for a while.”

Alex smiled as if Miles had said yes anyway. “Course, you think about it,” he said. He increased the pressure that he was applying to Miles’s head with his fingers. Miles found himself closing his eyes involuntarily.

“Does that feel good?” Alex said.

“Yeah,” Miles said quietly, his voice almost a whisper. “Yeah, it feels good.”

“Come ‘ere, then, let me do it properly.”

Miles’s eyes shot open as Alex grabbed him around the waist and tugged him backwards. All at once he found himself leaning back against Alex’s chest, and a second later both of Alex’s hands were in his hair. Alex began massaging the back of his head in slow, firm circles, moving gradually up to the crown and then forwards to his temples. He pushed his thumbs gently against Miles’s forehead and the sensation was like being hit with 1000 volts. Miles had never been turned on so quickly in his life, and it was all he could do to control his breathing so that he didn’t gasp out loud. _Christ, he’s like some kind of evil sex demon._ _How the hell is he doing that with just a head massage?_

Alex’s fingers trailed down the back of Miles’s head and began to knead the muscles at the base of his neck. “You’re so tense,” he said, close to Miles’s ear.

“Just… just been a bit stressed out,” Miles managed to say. The feeling of Alex’s hands on his bare skin was indescribable.

“Should’ve said, mate,” Alex said. He moved his fingers back into Miles’s hair, and as he did so his thumb brushed softly over the edge of Miles’s right ear. Miles felt like he was about to pass out. He’d forgotten how affectionate Alex could become when he was high, how much he liked to touch and be touched. Miles was suddenly sorely tempted to ask Alex for that other pill he was carrying. They could get high together and then see where the evening took them. Fortunately, a much more sensible part of him knew that getting high with Alex was a terrible idea and could only end in disaster. The last thing he needed right now was to lower his inhibitions any further than he already had. He had to find a way to control himself.

He forced himself to pull away from Alex’s touch. “How ‘bout I go get us some more drinks?” he said. “You stay here and cool off some more.”

“Okay,” said Alex. Then, “Miles?”

Miles turned back to look at him. “Yeah?”

Alex didn’t say anything for a second. He just stared back at Miles, his eyes round and innocent, his pupils too big and too black. Then he smiled. “Nothing,” he said. “Don’t be too long, yeah?”

***

The club seemed twice as hot after the coolness of the air outside, and by the time Miles got to the bar he was sweating again. He yelled his order in the bartender’s ear and still had to repeat himself twice before he was understood. As he stood waiting for his drinks, he kept returning to the mental image of Alex’s face, to those innocent brown eyes looking back at him. It had got him thinking. The fact of the matter was that, despite his baby-faced features, Alex was a very long way from being innocent, and for the first time Miles wondered whether he oughtn’t to just _talk_ to Alex about the way he was feeling. Alex was always much more receptive and more open to listening when he was high, and maybe in his current state he’d at least be willing to hear Miles out. Maybe he’d even be able to empathise with Miles in a way that he wouldn’t have done if he’d been sober. _Don’t be a fucking idiot, Kane. You’re just telling yourself what you want to hear._

Was he though? He’d shared personal feelings with Alex before and Alex had never judged him, and although this time it was definitely different, Miles couldn’t help but remember that before anything else, Alex was still his best friend. If there was anyone that Miles would choose to talk to about what he was currently going through, it was Alex. And for fuck’s sake, weren’t they both adults? Couldn’t they have a simple discussion about the boundaries of their relationship in a mature way? And even if it turned out that Alex didn’t reciprocate his feelings, at least then he would know where they stood with each other. Maybe their friendship would even be stronger for it. _You know you’re fooling yourself, man. Alex won’t understand this. How could he?_

But if Miles didn’t at least try to explain himself, what would happen then? He’d be lying to Alex, deceiving him. He’d be creeping around on eggshells, pretending to be something that he wasn’t. And what kind of impact would _that_ sort of long-term dishonesty have on their friendship?

He let out a frustrated sigh. He just wished he wasn’t so fucking _horny_. What with that and all the alcohol currently floating around in his system, it was hard to know whether he was thinking rationally or not. _Fuck it_. He would go back outside and talk to Alex, and see where the conversation led them. It wasn’t as if he had any other options. He grabbed the drinks from the bar and went to leave.

“Miles? Is that you?”

He turned back and was almost blinded by the whiteness of a toothpaste-advert smile. He immediately recognised Lisa, the girl he’d met in the bar on his first night out in LA. She was dressed skimpily in a two-piece ensemble which showed her bare midriff. The white material of her outfit was gauzy and slightly transparent, and it clung gently to her in all the places where she’d been sweating. Her hair cascaded over her shoulders like a perfect and impossibly blond waterfall. Miles’s clothes felt tighter just looking at her.

She walked up to him, swaying her hips, and planted a moist kiss on his cheek. “Didn’t expect to see you here, sweetie,” she said. “Fancy a dance?” She eyed the two drinks he was holding. “Or are you with someone?”

Miles hesitated. He’d been in this position once before, and it was almost like he was being given a second chance. The last time Lisa had propositioned him, he’d chosen instead to spend his time with Alex – and the night had ended with Alex ditching him for a cheap hook-up. How might the night end this time if he made the same choice? _Probably in an awkward conversation, mutual embarrassment, and a terrible hangover_. Maybe, given the circumstances, having a dance with Lisa was actually the saner choice to make. It was the choice Alex probably would have made.

Miles placed the drinks back down on the bar. What was the harm anyway? Alex could hardly begrudge him one quick dance after what he and that goth girl had gotten up to in the kitchen. He flashed Lisa a smile. “I’m just here with a mate,” he said. “But I can catch up with ‘im in a bit.”

Lisa’s face lit up like she’d just won the lottery. She took hold of his arm and led him on to the dancefloor. The music wasn’t as frantic as the racket that the DJ was playing downstairs and Miles was able to find the beat and move with it without much effort. He kept his eyes on Lisa. She looked like a fucking goddess on the dancefloor and she moved like she was in a music video, all hips and confidence. They danced close together, and after a minute she grabbed both his hands and wrapped them around her waist. She curled her arms around his neck and gazed up into his eyes. Underneath his fingers, he could feel the flimsy fabric of her skirt sliding back and forth over her skin, and it turned him on more than a little. It felt so good just to touch someone, to feel the warmth of another body close to him.

She wanted him to kiss her – that much was obvious. He could read it in her unwavering eye contact and the tilt of her smile. Yet despite the signals, there was some part of him that hesitated. She was beautiful without doubt, and her lips looked more than inviting, but for some reason he couldn’t quite seem to lose himself in the moment.

They kept dancing, and Lisa kept looking at him in that way, and he began to question what he was doing with her if he wasn’t going to kiss her. Her body was warm under his hands, and their faces were only inches apart. And then, all of a sudden, Lisa pressed herself against him and dipped her fingers into his hair. Evidently, she had decided it was up to her to make the move. She leaned up and pushed her mouth against his, parting his lips with her tongue. Miles let her do it. He moved his hands from her waist to her hips and kissed her back. She was a good kisser, and he suspected from the way she was teasing him with her tongue that kissing wasn’t the only thing she was good at. The sensation of her hands moving through his hair was pleasant, almost relaxing. It was nothing at all like the electricity he’d felt when Alex’s fingers had been pressed against his skin.

The thought made him pull away. Lisa’s hands slid out of his hair and back down to his shoulders, and she gave him a questioning look. “Are you okay?” she said.

“Um… yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? Did I do something wrong?”

Miles looked back at Lisa. She was gorgeous, anyone could see that, but he suddenly knew that he didn’t want this. It was Alex he wanted. It was Alex who made him feel as though every nerve in his body was alight with just the slightest touch. It was Alex who was making him question everything he thought he knew about his own preferences. He had to face up to the truth, even if it terrified him.

“Lisa, love, I’m really sorry. I can’t do this right now. I have to go check on me mate, I left ‘im by ‘imself and he–“

Lisa waved her hand to cut him off. “That’s fine, let’s just forget about it. Have a good night, Miles.”

“Lisa, wait–“

But she had already turned away from him and was pushing her way back through the crowd. That was definitely it now, there would be no more second chances with her. He realised that it hardly mattered. He had to go find Alex.

He didn’t bother to retrieve the drinks from the bar. He headed straight back outside to the smoking area, to the spot next to the wall where he and Alex had been sitting.

Alex wasn’t there.

Miles turned in a quick circle, scanning the faces of the people around him, but Alex wasn’t among them. He headed back into the club. He did a sweep of the dancefloor, the men’s toilets, and the crazy hothouse room downstairs, but Alex was nowhere to be seen. It was only then that it occurred to Miles to check his messages. _Idiot_. He pulled out his phone and saw at once that he had a text from Alex. He opened it.

_Hi mate, was feeling a bit tired so decided to go home. You looked busy, didn’t want to interrupt. Have fun, seeya tomorrow._

Miles stared at the message, his chest suddenly tight. There was no way that Alex had gone home because he was tired – he’d been high as a kite less than ten minutes ago. The reality was that Alex must have seen him kissing Lisa on the dancefloor, and he’d bailed to give Miles a chance at getting laid. Miles swore. This was a monumental fuck-up.

He dialled Alex’s number, but it went straight to voicemail and didn’t even ring. _Why the fuck has he turned his phone off?_ He swore again under his breath and then exited the club via the front entrance. He stood outside and cast his eyes up and down the street, but it was pointless – Alex was long gone. He felt his hands curling into fists and it took every last ounce of his self-control not to start punching the wall. This was not how he had wanted this night to end. There was nothing else he could do except go back to the house. Maybe Alex would be there by now, and then maybe they could talk. Miles thrust his hands deep into his pockets and went in search of a taxi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack  
> [Poison - Groove Coverage (Al Storm Remix)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NylLATibLRc) (the song that was playing downstairs in the club)


	6. Chapter 6

_I just can’t get the thought of you and him out of my head_  
_\- The Last Shadow Puppets_

 

 

The house was dark by the time Miles finally made it back, which had to mean that both Alex and Matt had already gone to bed. He entered quietly using the spare key, passed through the living room and tiptoed up the stairs. He paused as he reached Alex’s bedroom door, and wondered whether or not he should knock. He lifted his hand to do so, but then he hesitated. What if Alex was already asleep? He would be groggy and possibly bad-tempered if Miles woke him, especially if he was coming down from whatever he’d taken earlier in the night. That would not bode well for the kind of conversation that Miles needed to have with him.

He lingered outside Alex’s door, shifting from foot to foot. All the courage and certainty that he’d felt in the club was beginning to ebb away in the dark, quiet hallway. He hadn’t even figured out what he was going to say yet, let alone how he was going to play it off if Alex reacted negatively – which, let’s face it, was more than likely. Perhaps, after all, this was a conversation that was best left until morning when he’d be feeling more clear-headed, more sober.

He backed away from the door. _You’re just a fucking_ _coward, Kane_. _That’s what you are._

He padded softly down the hall to his own room, went in, and closed the door behind him. He undressed, dumped his clothes unceremoniously in a pile on the floor, and crawled pathetically into bed.

***

Miles slept poorly and woke up with a headache, but he forced himself out of bed anyway. He had a quick shower, dressed, and went downstairs. Matt was there in the kitchen, sitting by himself at the breakfast bar and eating a bowl of cereal while thumbing idly through a magazine.

“Mornin’ mate,” Miles said. “Is Alex not up yet?”

Matt shrugged. “I haven’t seen him, so I guess not. Did the two of ya have a good night?”

“It could have gone better, to be honest.”

“Lover’s tiff?” Matt said with a smile.

Miles didn’t acknowledge the joke. Matt’s gentle ribbing just wasn’t funny this morning. “I’m gonna make ‘im some breakfast before he wakes up,” he said.

“That bad, eh? There’s more eggs in the fridge if you want ‘em.”

Matt turned back to his magazine and let Miles get on with making the food. Miles knew that Alex would probably be feeling worse for wear, so he cooked up a full English and poured him out a large glass of orange juice. Alex still hadn’t emerged by the time he was done, so Miles figured he’d just take the food up to him on a tray. He could sense that Matt was giving him the side-eye and he steeled himself for a teasing comment about the fact that he was bringing Alex breakfast in bed, but in the end Matt said nothing.

Miles climbed the stairs, carrying the tray with one arm. He knocked on Alex’s door and waited. There was no response after a couple of minutes, so he tentatively turned the handle and pushed the door open. The morning sunlight hit him straight in the eyes. The curtains were wide open, the bed was made and it didn’t look like it had been slept in. Alex was not in the room.

Miles dumped the tray on the dresser and thumped his way back down the stairs, nearly tripping over his own feet. Why hadn’t he thought to check on Alex last night as soon as he’d got home? He’d let his own fucking drama get in the way of looking out for his friend, that’s why.

He stopped in the living room doorway, gripping the door frame with both hands. “Matt,” he said. “Al ain’t in his room. I don’t think he came home last night.”

Matt started to shrug, but then he turned and got a look at Miles’s face. The shrug vanished and instead he picked up his phone. “I’ll call him,” he said.

Matt held the phone to his ear and there was a long painful silence. Miles gripped the doorframe tighter. Then, finally, “Al? Are you alright, man, where the fuck are ya? Ya’ve got Miles here all worried… Oh, right… Yeah… Nah, nah, it’s okay. I’ll see ya at the studio later then, yeah? Alright then, bye.”

Miles stared at Matt expectantly. "Is he okay? Where is he?"

"He's fine, he's just round at Benny's."

"Benny’s?"

"Yeah, Benny the guitar tech guy, remember ‘im?"

Miles recalled a mental image of the excessively muscular bloke from that first night at the bar, the one who had gotten so handsy with Alex. Why the hell had Alex gone to see him instead of coming home like he’d said he was going to?

Matt was giving him a weird look again. “Did the two of ya really have a fight or summat?” he said.

Miles sagged against the wall and scrubbed a hand roughly through his hair. “Not exactly. Listen, can I grab a lift with you to the studio in a bit?”

“Sure, mate. I think Al’s on his way too. We can head down there now, if ya want?” Miles responded with a tiny nod. Matt stood up, came over to him and gave him a gentle squeeze on the shoulder. “Come on then, go get your jacket.”

***

They pulled up opposite the studio in Matt’s car and Miles immediately spotted Alex loitering outside the front entrance. He was leaning against the wall of the building having a smoke, but he wasn’t alone. Benny was leaning against the wall next to him, and he had one arm draped loosely around Alex’s shoulders. Something about the sight of that made Miles’s jaw stiffen. Both Alex and Benny looked up at the slam of the car doors, and Benny dropped his arm back down to his side as Matt and Miles crossed over the road towards them.

“Alright, lads?” Matt said.

“Sup, dude,” said Benny. He gave Matt a light punch on the arm and then turned to look at Miles. “And you must be the infamous Miles Kane.”

He extended his hand and Miles didn’t have much choice but to shake it. “Yeah, that’s me,” he said. He tried not to flinch as Benny pumped his arm so hard that he practically dislocated Miles’s shoulder. The guy was a fucking meathead. He had a face like a brick and he looked like he’d spent his entire adult life in the gym.

Benny took a drag on his cigarette and then crushed it underneath his foot. “I gotta split, sadly,” he said. “But I’ll catch up with you guys later.” He turned to look at Alex. “Call me, man?”

Alex gave a brief nod. “Yeah, I’ll call ya.”

“Cool. Later, then.” Benny sauntered across the road, swinging his huge arms. He beeped his keys at a red Audi, opened the driver’s side door and got in. His stereo blared into life with angry-sounding hip hop, and the noise echoed up and down the quiet street as he pulled away in the car.

Miles shook his head slightly and tried to catch Alex’s eye, but Alex seemed more interested in staring at his shoes. There was an awkward silence.

Matt coughed. “Right, I’m goin’ inside then. I’ll see you in there.” He sidestepped around Miles and went in through the doors.

Alex turned to follow, but Miles caught hold of him by the arm. “Hey,” he said. “Are you alright?”

Alex finally met Miles’s gaze, and Miles saw how bloodshot his eyes were. “Yeah, m’fine,” he said. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I dunno… just that ya left all of a sudden last night and then ya weren’t there this morning. I was worried. Look, I don’t know what ya saw in the club, but there’s nuffin’ goin’ on with me and that bird–“

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, man,” Alex interrupted. “You did what ya had to do.”

Miles sighed. “Yer pissed off with me, ain’t ya?”

Alex shook his head. “Nah, why would I be? You didn’t do owt but the same thing I did to you last week. It’s fine, man, let’s just call it even.”

Miles frowned. He wasn’t convinced that Alex was being completely straight with him, but he didn’t know what else he could say to make things better.

Alex stubbed out his cigarette on the wall and pushed open the door. He glanced back at Miles. “Ya comin’ in?”

***

Miles sat in the leather chair at the back of the room, his leg jiggling restlessly. He was pretending to look at his phone, but he was actually watching Alex out of the corner of his eye. Jamie was having a moan about something or other and Matt was trying to placate him, but Alex was just standing there with a glazed expression, not saying anything. He kept blinking as if the light was too bright. He looked exhausted, like he might fall asleep on his feet at any moment, and Miles began to wonder if he’d even been to bed at all.

When the lads finally trooped next door to the live room, Alex’s tiredness became even more apparent in the hoarseness of his voice. He sounded like he’d smoked a whole pack for breakfast and the scratchy vocal made Miles wince. The band soldiered on regardless, and Miles sat around impatiently waiting for them to finish. He just wanted the session to be over so that he could get Alex alone. Once they were back at the house, the two of them could talk and then Miles would finally tell Alex what was on his mind. He had to get it over and done with today, before he bottled out completely.

The minutes crawled past and Miles waited. He tried to pass the time by rehearsing what he was going to say to Alex, but in the end he had to stop himself because it was just making him more nervous. There were no right words, and he didn’t have Alex’s gift for poeticism. He would just have to tell him straight out, no fucking around, no frilly expressions, just the plain truth.

Finally, at around 2.30pm, the band collectively decided to knock off for the day. Matt and the others packed up fairly quickly, but Alex was still shuffling around in a half daze. He was the last to leave the studio, and Miles loitered behind in order to walk with him. They made their way side by side up the dimly lit corridor.

“So,” Miles said. “Do ya fancy a dip in the pool when we get back to the house? Or we could get a takeaway and watch a movie if you want?”

Alex gave Miles a sideways glance. “Actually, mate, I texted Benny to say I’d go back round to his after this. He’s picking me up.”

Miles blinked. “What? But you were there all last night.”

“Yeah, I know, but he’s helping me out wi’ summat.”

“What d’ya mean?”

“Just this tune I’m stuck on. It’s nothing big, but I said we could carry on this afternoon so…”

Miles paused. Then he said, “You’re writing with Benny?”

Alex didn’t meet his eye. “It’s nothing big, like I said.”

They’d reached the exit and Alex pushed through the doors without stopping. Miles’s heart plummeted when he saw the red Audi parked up on the curb. The engine was idling and Benny was sat behind the wheel, smoking out the window.

“Listen,” Alex said. “I’ll catch up with ya later, okay? We’ll get dinner or summat.” He gave Miles a small squeeze on the arm.

Miles couldn’t think of anything to say. He could only watch as Alex crossed to the other side of the street, got into the passenger side of Benny’s car, and drove away.

***

Alex didn’t come home for dinner that night, and he didn’t come home for breakfast the next morning either. His curtains stayed open, and his bed remained neat and unslept in.

Matt left the house at around 11am to drive down to the studio for rehearsal, but for the first time Miles didn’t go with him. He told Matt that he had some practicing of his own to do, but in truth he couldn’t even look at his guitar without thinking about Alex, and he really didn’t want to think about Alex right now.

He especially didn’t want to think about Alex sitting in a room with Benny, jamming with him, writing with him. Who the hell was this Benny guy to him anyway? It wasn’t like Alex to want to share his half-finished writing with random strangers just off the cuff.

 _What are you on about, Kane, he did it with you_. No, but that was different. The Last Shadow Puppets project had been something unique and special between the two of them, or so Miles had always thought. Had he just been fooling himself? Was it really so easy for Alex to find someone new to bond with over music? It suddenly didn’t feel so easy for Miles. Perhaps his emotions were getting the better of him, but right now there was no one else in the entire world that he could imagine wanting to write with more than Alex.

Miles slumped on his stool at the breakfast bar. He’d been composing, re-composing and then deleting the same text for the last ten minutes.

_Hey man, are you sure you’re okay because it seems like…_

_Hey, are you avoiding my company or am I just being...  
_

_Where the hell were you last night, Turner…?_

He gave up and put the phone back in his pocket. Today was Monday, and he was due to fly back to London on Thursday. He only had three days left in LA, and after that he didn’t know when he might see Alex again. That meant that he had only three days left to tell Alex how he felt. He could feel the pressure of the ticking clock, and it was almost too much to bear. How was he supposed to talk to Alex now, when there was all this weirdness between them? The worst part was that Alex seemed determined to act as if everything was completely fine, when it clearly wasn’t. Regardless of what he’d said about calling it even, he was obviously still sulking about Miles ditching him at the club. _He’s such a bloody hypocrite_.

But hypocritical or not, it was typical of Alex to bottle up his feelings like this. Miles had seen him do it before, most often with past girlfriends. He always preferred to pour his heart out in pop songs rather than actually talk to anyone when things were going wrong in his relationships. In that sense, the two of them were completely different. Unlike Alex, Miles was the kind of person who wore his heart on his sleeve, and he was usually happy to talk to anyone who would listen about his problems, especially when it came to his love life. Or at least, he had been until now.

He sighed. His usual strategy for dealing with Alex’s sporadic tight-lipped moods was to crack jokes and make him laugh, but he couldn’t exactly do that this time. Not when it was he himself who had prompted Alex’s current moody silence. Was it possible that Alex had decided simply to avoid him until Thursday, rather than have to confront the awkwardness between them? Well, Miles wasn’t about to let him get away with that. He had too much at stake to just let the matter drop. He pulled out his phone again and began composing a new text.

_Hey man, fancy meeting up for a quiet drink after rehearsal? I’m buying._

He hesitated for a second or two. Then he hit send.

***

Miles sat on the bar stool and tried to keep himself from glowering. The ‘quiet drink’ with Alex that he had envisaged was turning out to be anything but. Not only had Alex invited the whole band to join them, he’d invited Benny too. Miles suspected that he’d done it on purpose, so that the two of them wouldn’t have the chance to talk. He was hiding from Miles in plain sight, propping up the other end of the bar with Benny looming over his shoulder like some kind of sentient cliff face. Miles couldn’t help but get the impression that Alex was using Benny as a human shield, and his instincts were telling him that not only was Benny fully aware of that fact, he was also perfectly fine with it.

But Alex couldn’t just hide from Miles forever. Miles waited and bided his time until eventually he saw Alex head off in the direction of the toilets. When he noticed that Benny was distracted chatting away to the bartender, Miles got quietly down from his stool and slipped out of the room after Alex.

The toilets were up some stairs and down a corridor on the second floor of the bar. Miles pushed open the door marked _Men_ and found himself in a medium-sized room that was kitted out with stone-effect flooring and faux marble tiles. Some tinny pop song was playing softly through the speakers on the ceiling, but otherwise the place was quiet and empty – no sign of Alex. Then Miles picked up the sound of someone humming and he noticed that the room was in fact L-shaped. He wandered further in, turned the corner, and there was Alex standing in front of a huge full-length mirror, casually running a comb back through his quiff.

Alex stopped when he caught sight of Miles’s reflection staring back at him, and he turned to face Miles. He stuffed the comb into his back pocket. “Hi,” he said. That was all.

“Hi,” Miles echoed. There was a pause where they just looked at each other. _Fuck, why is this so awkward?_ He’d never struggled for words when talking to Alex before. Conversation had always just flowed naturally between them. What had happened in the last couple of days to make things so fucking difficult?

Miles inhaled a deep breath. “Look,” he said. “I know that yer pissed off with me about something. No – don’t deny it.” He held up his hand as Alex opened his mouth to argue. “Just please tell me what I did wrong. If it’s about what happened at the club, then I’m sorry. It was a mistake. I was never planning to ditch ya, I swear to god that was the last thing on me mind. All I want is a chance to talk–“

“About what?” Alex said. “There’s nowt to talk about, man, honestly – and I swear I’m not pissed off wi’ ya. I’m just… it’s just… oh, fuck it.” He let out an exasperated sigh. Miles could see that Alex was struggling to express himself, so he waited in silence to give his mate a chance to gather his thoughts.

Alex just stood there fidgeting and frowning, still not speaking. Eventually, he said, “Look, I’m sorry if I’ve been a dick to you these last coupla weeks. You haven’t done owt to deserve it. I can’t explain meself properly right now though, so please man, can ya just let it go?”

Alex looked at him then with such an unhappy expression that it was all Miles could do not to reach out for him. He just wanted to hold Alex tight, and make whatever it was that was hurting him go away. Instead, he said, “Okay, man. I’ll let it go, as long as ya stop ignoring me. I’m only here another couple of days, and I don’t want to spend the time fightin’ with ya.”

Alex gave a small nod. “Okay,” he said. He shifted his weight from foot to foot. “Okay, that’s fair.” There was another long pause where they just looked at each other. Then Alex said, “I’m gonna go get another drink, you want one?”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. I’ll see ya downstairs in a bit, I gotta take a slash.”

Alex nodded. He sidestepped past Miles and was out the door before Miles could say anything else. Once he was gone, Miles leaned over one of the sinks and closed his eyes. _That could have gone better_. Maybe Alex was telling the truth when he said that he wasn’t pissed off with Miles, but the fact remained that he was upset about _something_ , and he didn’t want to tell Miles what it was. The thought that Alex didn’t want to confide in him was hurtful, and if it were possible Miles now felt even worse than he had before. _Fuck this, I need a smoke_. He finished up in the restroom, grabbed his packet of cigarettes from his jacket pocket, and headed back down the stairs to find the outside smoking area.

***

The outside area was crowded with people talking, smoking and drinking in the warm, late afternoon sunshine. Nick and Jamie were there, passing a cigarette back and forth between them at one of the tables, but rather than joining them Miles tucked himself discretely into a shady corner by the wall. He wasn’t in the mood to have a conversation with anyone right now. He just wanted to smoke in peace.

He lit a cigarette and took a deep drag. His head was full of Alex. What could be going on with him that was so bad that he couldn’t tell Miles about it? His mind began to spin stories. Was Alex sick? Was he in trouble somehow? And if he was, how could Miles help him if Alex wouldn’t open up and tell him the truth? Miles exhaled a cloud of smoke and rested his head back heavily against the wall. His eyes slipped half closed. He was tired. Tired of himself and tired of the unrelenting seasickness in his stomach whenever he thought about Alex. He was beginning to wish he’d never come to LA in the first place. Perhaps he would have been better off if he’d just left it alone, if he’d just let the two of them drift slowly apart, as they surely would have eventually, separated as they were by the Atlantic Ocean. Maybe he would have been happier that way – not at first, of course, but perhaps in the end, after time.

He opened his eyes again, and suddenly there was Alex in front of him, standing about fifteen feet away near the back exit to the bar. He was talking to Benny. The two of them were stood rather close to one another and they looked to be having an intensely private conversation. Miles pressed himself further into the corner, not wanting to be seen. Alex was shaking his head and making small, sharp gestures with his hands. Benny was just standing there watching him, saying nothing. Then, he suddenly reached out and wrapped both his arms around Alex’s shoulders. He pulled Alex close against his chest and Alex let him do it. Alex didn’t attempt to move away at all, not even when Benny reached up and stroked a hand slowly through his hair.

A strange choking sound escaped from Miles’s throat. He dropped his cigarette on the ground. Benny still had his hand buried deep in Alex’s hair, and Alex’s eyes were closed. Miles forced himself to look away. He turned and retraced his steps towards the bar, almost tripping over in his haste. _What was that? What the fucking fuck was that?_ Whatever it was, it was something he shouldn’t have seen. All at once, the pieces of the puzzle were coming together in his mind. Alex wasn’t sick, and he wasn’t in trouble. He wasn’t even pissed off with Miles. It was something else entirely. Miles had just been too wrapped up in his own problems to see it. What a complete and utter fuckwit he had been to think that Alex’s behaviour had been anything to do with him. It hadn’t been about him at all. All this time, it’d been about Benny.

Miles suddenly had a whole new perspective on the events of the past two weeks. It wasn’t that he’d ditched Alex in the club on Saturday night – no, what he’d actually done was give Alex the perfect excuse to ditch _Miles,_ so that Alex could go knocking on Benny’s door at three in the morning instead. And that first night in the bar? Miles remembered now how Alex and Benny had been arguing just before Alex had decided to hook up with that goth girl. Had Alex been trying to prove some sort of point to Benny? Was that what the blowjob in the kitchen had really been about? And as for the private display of affection that Miles had just witnessed… well, he guessed that the two of them must have decided to kiss and make up after all.

What an idiot he’d been to not recognise the signs. It was typical of Alex to be uncommunicative whenever he was having relationship problems, and this was a classic example. Perhaps Miles would get to hear about it when it all came out in a song. _Perhaps that’s what he and Benny are writing about together right now_. The thought made Miles feel sick. The alcohol that he’d drank sat heavy in his stomach. He couldn’t face going back to the bar now. He had to get out of here.

He made his way to the front entrance, stumbled outside, and climbed into the back of the first waiting taxi that he saw.


	7. Chapter 7

_I heard an unhappy ending_  
_It sort of sounds like you leaving_  
_\- Alex Turner_

 

 

It was Wednesday evening and Miles’s time in LA was fast drawing to a close. As far as he was concerned, his flight home tomorrow couldn’t come soon enough. For the last two days he’d just been going through the motions. Trying to act normal. Smiling and nodding in all the right places. The truth was that he could barely look Alex in the face without feeling a lump at the back of his throat.

Alex wasn’t giving Miles the cold shoulder anymore, not that he ever had been, really. He was back at home, sleeping in his own bed, and cooking up breakfast in the mornings like usual. The trouble was that Benny had also become more of consistent presence, no matter how hard Miles had tried to avoid him. The guy had started hanging around the studio while the band were practicing, and earlier that afternoon he’d even joined them back at the house for what had been Miles’s last barbecue of the holiday. Nick and Jamie had been there too to say goodbye, and though Miles had tried his best to be lively and entertaining for their sake, he suspected that he’d fallen somewhat short of the mark.

If Alex had noticed that Miles seemed withdrawn, he hadn’t said anything about it. Miles guessed that he was preoccupied, or maybe he was just impatient to get Miles out of his hair so that he could see Benny without having to make excuses. Miles figured that Alex didn’t want anyone to know about his relationship with Benny yet, as with the exception of the discreet scene that Miles had witnessed at the bar, Alex and Benny had continued to keep a socially acceptable distance from one another amongst the rest of the group. Perhaps Alex was afraid that it wouldn’t sit too well with his new carefully crafted stage persona if the media found out that he was dating another man. That didn’t explain why he’d felt the need to hide the truth from Miles though. The fact that he hadn’t come to Miles about it felt like a rejection of their friendship on top of everything else.

Miles looked at his watch. He wondered if it was too early to excuse himself and go to bed. He was sat on the sofa supposedly watching a film, but he’d lost the thread of the plot somewhere near the start and now the TV screen was just a series of meaningless images. Matt was sat in his usual chair opposite Miles, while Alex had elected to throw a cushion down on the floor and sit cross-legged at Miles’s feet. Miles couldn’t draw his attention away from the back of Alex’s dark head. He watched the slight rise and fall of Alex’s shoulders as he breathed. He knew that it would come back to torment him later, but he couldn’t stop himself from trying to memorise every little detail. He didn’t know when he might see Alex again. He didn’t even know if he could bear to see Alex again, if seeing him meant seeing him with Benny.

Alex shifted position on the cushion and the movement brought his shoulder into contact with Miles’s thigh. Miles suppressed a shudder. The warmth of having Alex there felt almost like a burn. He ached to sink his hands into that dark hair, to stroke his fingers through it, to wrap it around his fist. It was maddening to have Alex so close without being able to touch him. It made Miles feel like he was being slowly pulled apart.

The film was over and the credits had begun to roll. Miles decided to seize the opportunity for escape. “I think I’m gonna get an early night,” he said. “Eleven hour flight tomorrow, ‘n all that.”

Alex looked up at him. “Really? It’s only nine o’clock, can’t ya stay up a little bit longer?”

Miles shook his head. “Sorry, man, I need the kip. But I’ll see ya in the morning before I go, yeah?”

Alex looked back down at his hands. “Yeah, I guess so,” he said quietly.

“Night, mate,” said Matt.

“G’night,” Miles said.

He stood up, fetched himself a glass of water from the kitchen, and then made his way heavily up the creaking stairs. The guest room was dark when he entered, but he didn’t bother to turn on the light. He closed the door behind him with a soft click, and for a few moments he just stood there without moving, staring at nothing, as if he’d forgotten what it was he’d been doing. Then, slowly, almost as though he were sinking in quicksand, he crumpled to the floor. He sat back against the wall, brought his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his calves. He lay his forehead on his knees and silently began to cry.

***

There was nothing left to do now. His passport was tucked into his jacket pocket, and his suitcase was packed and sat waiting on the bed. He didn’t have to be at the airport for another hour yet, but much as he would rather have stayed in his room staring at the walls until he had to leave, doing so would probably have provoked questions. He would have to go down to the kitchen and show his face and at least pretend to be sociable.

He made his way slowly downstairs. He could hear voices coming from the living room, which meant that Matt and Alex must have got up early as well. He fixed his face into a neutral expression and pushed open the living room door – and almost immediately lost his composure at the unwelcome sight waiting for him. It was Benny. He was sat on the sofa with one of Alex’s guitars on his lap. Matt was sat next to him and they were looking at something on Benny’s phone and laughing. Benny had a particularly loud and irritating laugh and the sound of it made Miles feel like clocking him one. He sucked in a breath to calm himself.

He headed straight for the coffee machine. “Mornin’ lads,” he said. “Alex not up yet?”

“Yeah, he’s up,” Matt said. “He’s still in his room though. Listen, mate, there’s been a bit of a change of plan.”

“What’s that?” said Miles. He gave the coffee maker a slap and it started humming.

“Al and me aren’t gonna be able to drive you to the airport after all. There’s been some kind of break-in or summat at the studio and we’re gonna have to head down there now. Al left a load of equipment behind the last time, so we need to go do a reccy in case anything’s been nicked.”

Miles blinked a couple of times as he digested the news. “Fuck, that’s harsh, man,” he said. “But I mean… don’t worry about it, like. I’ll call a taxi or something.”

“Nah, it’s okay. Benny’s gonna take ya. He’s on his way to the airport anyway to pick up his sister, so I said he may as well take ya with him – makes more sense than wastin’ money on a taxi, eh?”

“Oh,” Miles said. He looked at Benny, who just shrugged at him. His expression said clearly that this little arrangement had been all Matt’s idea. He looked about as thrilled that the two of them would be sharing a ride to the airport as Miles was. _As if today couldn’t get any fucking worse._

“Sorry we won’t be there to see you off, mate,” Matt said.

“It’s not a bother,” Miles said. “I just hope all yer gear’s safe.”

“Me ‘n all,” Matt said. “Anyway, we gotta head off soonish so ya better go upstairs and say your goodbyes to Al.”

“Yeah, okay, I will do.”

Miles abandoned the coffee to cool on the kitchen counter. This was the moment that he’d been dreading. He’d thought he’d have a bit more time to psyche himself up, but apparently it was now or never. He wasn’t ready.

_So what? You would never have been ready._

Miles sighed. There was nothing else for it. He’d just have to treat it like ripping off a plaster. Quick and painless. Over and done with. There was no sense in dragging it out for any longer than it needed to be.

He left the living room and made his way back up the stairs. His legs were weighing him down. It was like trying to walk underwater. In the hallway, Alex’s bedroom door stood slightly ajar. Miles took a deep breath and raised his hand to knock, but then he stopped. From inside, he heard the sound of a guitar. He pressed his palm against the door and gently pushed it wider.

Alex was sitting on the bed, his head bent over the acoustic in his lap. He plucked lightly at the strings and Miles immediately recognised the mournful melody of Tears in Heaven. Alex was singing so softly that it was very nearly a whisper. His normally silky voice seemed edged this morning with an almost imperceptible roughness, but it wasn’t unpleasant. It was like listening to someone rub the finest grade of sandpaper over a surface that was already smooth. His voice made the lyrics sparkle, and the sound sent shivers running freely across Miles’s skin.

When Alex reached the end of the song, he looked up, saw Miles, and flinched, as though he hadn’t realised that anyone was watching him. His hair was free of styling products for once, and it hung over his face in soft unruly tendrils.

Miles took a step forward. “I’ve never heard ya play that before,” he said. He kept his voice low. He was almost afraid to speak too loudly in case he broke the spell that Alex seemed to have cast over the room.

Alex brushed his hair back from his face. “I don’t play it too often,” he said. “I have to be in the right mood.”

Miles came further in. He sat down on the end of the bed next to Alex. “So,” he said. “Since yer not taking me to the airport, I guess this is it then.”

Alex gave a small nod. “I guess so.” He plucked idly at the low E string on the guitar. “Did ya have chance to think about… um… that thing I asked ya the other night? About moving out here, like?”

Miles exhaled softly. “I dunno, man. It’s a hell of a long way, ya know?”

Alex nodded again, as if it was the answer he’d expected. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is pretty far.” He paused. “So… when can you come back again? I mean, for like a visit or summat?”

“I dunno, really,” Miles said. “I’ll check me schedule when I get home, but I mean, it might be a while. We’ve both got a lot of stuff on at the moment…”

“Yeah. Course.”

They lapsed into silence. Miles fiddled with one of the buttons on his shirt cuff and cast his eyes around the room. It was pretty tidy compared to his bedroom at home – no posters littering the walls or pairs of trainers cluttering up the corners. The messiest area was the desk beside the window, which was half buried under stacks of notebooks and random scraps of paper covered in scribbles.

Miles glanced back at Alex. His dark eyes had grown somewhat distant and he was staring off into space. Miles gave him a nudge with his elbow. “What are ya thinkin’ about?”

Alex blinked, refocused, and then gave him a wistful smile. “I were just thinkin’ about the first time we met,” he said. “Backstage at that gig, d’ya remember?”

“Course I do,” Miles said. He smiled at the memory. “You were dead nervous, getting ready to go on. I think you were trying to drink yer own bodyweight in margaritas. Helders had to take yer drink off ya in the end before ya got too hammered to play yer bloody guitar.”

Alex laughed softly. “Yeah, it were Dutch courage. I used to get proper stage fright back then.”

“Yeah, I know. But look at ya now, eh?”

“Yeah.” Alex’s smile faded slowly. “Yeah, look at me now.”

Miles watched as a cloud settled over Alex’s face. “What’s wrong, kid?” he said.

Alex looked down at his guitar and said nothing for a moment. Then he sighed. “You know, sometimes I wish we could just go back.”

“Back where?”

“Back to being kids again. Back to that night we met. Everything were a lot simpler then, weren’t it?”

Miles swallowed, his throat suddenly tight. “Yeah. I know what ya mean,” he said. “Sometimes I wish that too.”

Alex looked up. His brown eyes were soft, his eyelashes dark. “You do?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

Miles held Alex’s gaze and the two of them looked at each other. There were so many things that Miles wanted to say in that moment, but the words wouldn’t come. They swirled around in his chest, trapped beneath his ribcage, heavy and unspoken. He could feel the emotion beginning to well up behind his eyes, and Alex’s eyes too seemed over bright, almost as if he was holding back tears. Still they looked at each other, saying nothing.

Then, Alex reached out and brushed Miles’s hand with the very tips of his fingers. “Miles,” he said softly. “This is gonna sound crazy, but–“

A loud knock on the door made them both jump. Miles jerked round and saw Benny standing there. He was frowning, his meaty arms folded firmly across his chest.

“I’m heading to the airport now,” he said. “So you better come, if you’re coming.”

Miles clenched his jaw. _Damn him._ He gave Benny a look of daggers. “Just a second, yeah?” He turned back to face Alex. “What were ya gonna say, Al?”

Alex shot a quick glance at Benny, who was still loitering in the doorway, obviously unable to take a hint. “Nowt,” he said. “It doesn’t matter. Listen, call me when you land, alright?”

“Yeah, yeah course I will.”

“Okay.” Alex unslung the guitar from around his neck and stood up. Miles stood up too. There was a pause, and then for a horrible moment Miles thought that Alex was about to give him a clap on the shoulder or an arm squeeze or something to say goodbye. He couldn’t bear for that to be the last physical contact shared between them. He needed something more, some closeness that he could remember on the long flight back to London.

He reached out, grabbed Alex around the shoulders and pulled him into a hug. He felt Alex’s arms slip around his waist at once. He rested his chin on Alex’s shoulder and squeezed him tighter, and then on pure instinct he raised his hand to the back of Alex’s head and clutched hold of a fistful of his hair. Alex inhaled sharply right next to his ear and Miles’s heart did a somersault. He closed his eyes and breathed in the smell of Alex, felt the warmth of his body and the pulse of his heartbeat. He stretched the moment out for as long as he could, savouring every precious second. And then, too soon, it was over. He had to let Alex go.

***

Miles sat in the passenger seat of Benny’s car and stared blankly out of the window. The roads were fairly quiet for the time of day and they were making quick work of the distance, but their speed of travel seemed oddly disconnected from the sluggishness of time inside the car. Miles fidgeted and looked at his watch. Neither of them had spoken for the last ten minutes or so and the silence was anything but comfortable. In fact it was growing more awkward with every slow second. Miles pressed his lips together in a tight line. He really wasn’t in the mood for idle chit-chat, and especially not with Benny, but he couldn’t cope with much more of this weird atmosphere. It was beginning to set his teeth on edge.

He turned his attention to Benny. “I appreciate ya givin’ me a lift,” he said.

“No sweat,” Benny replied. He didn’t look at Miles, just kept his eyes on the road.

“So… how come you were at the house so early this mornin’, anyway?”

“Just dropping off Alex’s guitar. He asked me to make some adjustments for him.”

“Oh.”

Silence again. Christ, it was like pulling teeth. Miles racked his brains for another opener before the conversation died completely on its arse. “I hear you and Al are writing somethin’ together,” he said. The words spilled out before he could stop them. _Fuck’s sake, Kane._ Benny and Alex’s writing partnership had to be the _last_ thing he wanted to talk about right now. Or at least the second to last.

Benny gave him a sideways look. “Alex told you that, did he?”

Miles looked back. “Yeah, he did, why?”

Benny just gave a little snort and shook his head. He made a sharp right-hand turn and someone behind them beeped their horn. “So, the two of you go back a long way, huh?”

Miles blinked, but welcomed the change of subject. “Yeah, you could say that. We’ve known each other since we were nineteen.”

“I guess you knew him before everything blew up with his band then. What’s that like for you? Being buddies with him now that he’s so famous?”

Miles twitched uncomfortably. “He’s not that famous. I mean… he is, but it’s never been a big deal.”

“It doesn’t bother you, all the attention he gets?”

“No, man. He deserves it, he’s worked hard to get where he is.”

Benny shrugged. “Sure,” he said. “I know he works hard.” He paused and flexed his fingers on the steering wheel. “You should have seen all the women throwing themselves at him when we were on tour though. Tossing their damn underwear up on the stage. I swear, it’s like they think he’s God or something.”

Miles shrugged and said nothing.

Benny gave him another sideways look, then went on. “It’s not just the women either. Seems like the whole goddamn world wants to get into his pants, and you can bet he loves it. Pretends like he doesn’t, of course, but I’ve seen him up there making the eyes at them like he’s Elvis fucking Presley. His ego’s gotta be the size of Manhattan.”

Miles started shaking his head. “Nah, that’s not Al, man. It’s just an act. He’s not like that.”

“Don’t you believe it,” Benny said. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like the dude a lot, but anyone can see he’s in love with his own hype.”

Miles bristled. “That’s not true at all,” he said. “I know he gives it the attitude sometimes, but underneath he’s the humblest guy you could ever meet. You don’t know ‘im like I do.”

“I know him well enough.”

Miles felt his temper flare. “Look man, just because the two of ya are hookin’ up doesn’t mean that you know everythin’ about–“

“What the fuck did you just say?”

Miles backtracked. _Shit_. “Nothing. It don’t matter.”

Benny made another sharp turn and stepped on the accelerator. The sign for the airport flew past. They were almost there already.

“What has Alex been saying to you?” Benny said.

“He hasn’t said anything,” Miles said. “I worked it out for meself.”

“Worked out what?”

Miles looked down at his lap. “Don’t make me spell it out for ya man. I’ve seen the two of ya together, I’m not an idiot.”

Benny uttered a sharp laugh. “You think I’m fucking Alex? Is that it?”

The words made Miles flinch. “Well, aren’t ya?”

Benny didn’t respond. Instead he swung the car violently to the right and then they were entering the airport. The tires squealed against the concrete as Benny steered them into the nearest parking lot. They drove round in silence for several minutes, looking for a space. Miles could tell from the tightness in Benny’s jaw and the way he gripped the steering wheel that the guy was pissed off. He waited quietly until Benny had parked up and switched off the engine.

Once they were stationary, Benny turned to him with a sharp look. “You wanna know something?” he said. “You don’t know Alex half as well as you think you do. If you did, maybe you’d have the decency to just back off and leave him to get on with his life.”

Miles’s mouth dropped open. “What the _hell_ –“

“Don’t give me that bullshit. You’re just as bad as he is. You just love the attention don’t you? I’ve seen the way you flirt with him, the way you lead him on. It’s all fun and games to you, isn’t it?”

“Whoa, time out, man. Yer barking so far up the wrong tree here. There’s nothin’ goin’ on between me ‘n Al in that way, we’re just mates–“

“Yeah, yeah, you’re just mates – trust me, I know,” Benny said. His voice was bitter. “But do me a fucking favour, Miles, would you? Tell him that yourself the next time you see him. Because he won’t fucking listen to me, and I’m sick to death of saying it.”

Miles blinked. “You what?”

But Benny was getting out of the car already. He opened the boot and started dumping Miles’s luggage out on to the ground. Miles scrambled to undo his seatbelt. He pushed open the passenger door and stepped out into the parking lot.

“Benny,” Miles said. “Did Al say somethin’ to you about me?”

“Forget it,” Benny said. “I shouldn’t even be talking to you.”

“Come on, man, tell me the truth.”

Benny stopped and glared at him. “You want the truth?”

Miles swallowed, then nodded.

“Fine. Here’s the truth. He thinks the world of you. He thinks you’re the reason the fucking sun rises in the morning. He thinks you move the goddamn moon. But you don’t fucking deserve him. Now take your shit and get the hell out of my face.”

Benny slammed the boot shut, beeped his keys at the car and then turned to march off in the direction of the arrivals meeting point, leaving Miles to stare stupidly after him.

***

_“This is the final boarding call for all passengers on flight 630A to London. Please proceed to gate five immediately.”_

Miles made his way through the departure lounge in a daze, barely aware of anything that was happening around him. He lined up with the rest of the passengers to board the plane and a smiling steward checked his passport before ushering him off down a long tunnel. He was greeted by more stewards at the plane door who welcomed him with friendly grins and directed him up the central aisle. When he finally flopped down into his designated seat, blinked himself awake and took stock of his surroundings, he realised that he could scarcely recall how he’d got there. The entire check-in process had passed him by in a blur.

Benny’s words were still echoing around inside his head, blotting out all other thoughts. _He thinks you move the goddamn moon._ What the hell did that even mean? And why did Benny think that Miles had been leading Alex on? Miles had never done that, or at least not intentionally. It was Alex who’d always been the flirtatious one out of the two of them, but he played it for laughs, it had never been meant in earnest. Benny had just got hold of the wrong end of the stick, that was all.

Still, he kept returning to what Benny had said about his and Alex’s friendship, about the fact that the two of them were just mates. _Tell him that yourself the next time you see him. Because he won’t fucking listen to me._ No matter which way Miles spun and twisted those words, the implication was clear. Benny thought that Alex saw the two of them as more than just mates. But if that were true, wouldn’t Alex have said something about it? Wouldn’t his behaviour have somehow indicated that fact? It didn’t make sense. For starters, Alex had hooked up with a random bird on the very first night of the trip, which was surely incontrovertible proof that he wasn’t interested in Miles. Seemingly he wasn’t interested in Benny either though, or at least not as interested as Benny wanted him to be, judging from the man’s outburst in the parking lot. Maybe Benny had just been looking for someone to blame for that, and Miles had been an easy target. That was probably it, after all.

 _He thinks you move the goddamn moon_. The words kept weaving in and out of his thoughts, turning them into a messy tangled heap. He shook his head and pushed them away. He was due to spend the next eleven hours stuck in a metal tube in the sky, and if he didn’t distract himself from the spiralling chaos inside his head then he was apt to drive himself crazy. He reached resolutely for his headphones. The stewards had begun to wave their arms to signal the location of the exits and he could feel the plane’s engine starting to hum. He jammed the headphones down over his ears and turned the volume up high. He closed his eyes and allowed his thoughts to be swept away by the familiar, soothing voices of Lennon and McCartney.

***

By the time Miles unlocked his own front door and trudged up the stairs to his flat, his jet lag was starting to kick in. He’d been travelling for an entire day, but thanks to the time difference the morning was only just beginning in London. He debated for a moment whether he ought to make himself dinner or breakfast, but then he decided he had no appetite for either.

He pushed open the door to his living room and dumped his bags on the floor. Everything was exactly as he had left it. Guitar bits and pieces everywhere, piles of clothes, stacked up records. He drew back the curtains. The morning sunlight flooded in at once and lit up all the dust motes that were floating in the air. Apart from the distant rumble of traffic from the street below, everything was very still and quiet.

Miles stood in the middle of the room and surveyed it all. His stuff. His life. This was supposed to be his dream. Living in London, being a touring musician, making music for a living. It was all he’d ever wanted, ever since he was a little kid. So how come he suddenly felt like it wasn’t enough?

_S’not much of a dream wi’out someone to share it with._

Alex’s voice floated back to him from that night at the club, and Miles let out a deep sigh. Alex was right of course, damn him. Dreams were insubstantial on their own. It was sharing those dreams with the people you cared about that brought them to life, made them real.

And there was no one that Miles cared about more in the whole world than Alex. That much was clear to him now.

_So? What are ya gonna do about it, Kane?_

Miles steeled himself, reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. This was probably a terrible mistake, and if he hadn’t been so tired and confused right now he would have convinced himself to just leave it alone. Even in the midst of his mental fog, there was some part of his mind screaming at him to just forget about the whole thing and go to bed. He ignored it.

He dialled the number.

“Hey man,” came the soft voice in his ear. “Did you land safe?”

“Yeah, I made it,” Miles said. “Al, listen, I need to tell ya something.”

“What’s that?”

Miles took a deep breath. “The answer’s yes, okay?”

“Yes?”

“Yes. You were right. LA is a great place, and I do really like it out there. I want to keep working on me solo stuff out there, and I want to start writing with ya again. So, yes, you win. I’m gonna make the move.”

There was silence on the other end of the line, and Miles began to wonder if they’d been cut off. Then Alex said quietly, “You’re really coming back?”

Miles held the phone tight to his ear. “Yeah, man. I’m really comin’ back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack  
> [Tears in Heaven – Eric Clapton](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxPj3GAYYZ0) (song played by Alex on the guitar) 
> 
> [Milex video / song inspiration for this chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBiP7MBZDCM) (this one gave me all the feels…)


	8. Chapter 8

_Maybe I just wanna be yours_   
_\- Arctic Monkeys_

 

As it turned out, moving to LA on a more permanent basis was not quite as straightforward as going there for a short vacation. There were a hundred and one things that Miles had to take care of first, like organising for someone to take care of his flat, putting his possessions into storage, arranging to have all his musical equipment shipped out to the States – not to mention all the visa paperwork, which took far longer than he’d expected. And of course, he had to fit all of this in around his busy schedule of writing and recording for his new album.

In the end, it wasn’t until early the following spring that Miles finally touched down for the second time at LAX, nearly seven months later.

His heart was fluttering in his chest as he made his way towards the arrivals lounge after picking up his suitcase. He’d seen Alex only once in person since the previous summer, and that had only been very briefly at Christmas when Alex had flown in to see his family in Sheffield. The festive season had been a hectic period for both of them and there hadn’t been much time to catch up before Alex had jetted off again, but the short visit had been enough to strengthen Miles’s resolve to go through with his emigration plans.

After that spontaneous and extremely jetlagged phone call, it hadn’t taken long before Miles had begun to doubt himself and to worry that perhaps he’d got a bit carried away after all. Part of him had even started to question the reality of his feelings for Alex. However, meeting up at Christmas had pretty much erased all of his second thoughts. Just seeing Alex’s face again had given him such an intense burst of emotion that he’d had to excuse himself to go sit in the damn bathroom for ten minutes, just to calm down enough to have a normal conversation.

And now, he was finally back in LA and they would soon be together again, and Miles felt so full of nervous energy that he thought he might burst. He still wasn’t sure whether or not his feelings for Alex were requited, but he had to admit that after his conversation with Benny, he’d begun to hope a little. Just a little. If Alex was even slightly open to the possibility of something more than friendship between them… well, he had to take that chance, however small it was.  

Upon entering the arrivals lounge, Miles immediately spied Alex waiting for him over near the exit doors. From a distance, he couldn’t help but notice that his mate looked every inch the rock star in his black leather jacket and perfectly quiffed hair, and for a fleeting second Miles felt almost intimidated – but then Alex looked up, saw Miles standing there, and instantly shattered his own image of studied aloofness with a huge, affectionate smile. He whipped off his sunglasses, bounded across the room and wrapped them both up in such a tight hug that for a second Miles could barely breathe.

“Hey, steady on tiger,” Miles said, but he couldn’t stop himself from grinning at the unexpected public display of affection.

“Can’t help it, mate, I missed ya,” Alex said. He stepped back and made a face at Miles. “Took ya bloody long enough to get ‘ere.”

Miles laughed. “Yeah, sorry about that,” he said. He swept his eyes fondly over Alex’s familiar features, his warm smile and his laughing brown eyes. He was seized with a sudden, powerful urge to just kiss Alex right then and there in the middle of the airport, and he had to quickly look away before Alex noticed the heat rising in his cheeks.

“I’ve got your room all ready and waitin’ for ya,” Alex said. “You can stay wi’ us as long as ya need until ya get set up in your own place.”

“Thanks, man,” Miles said. “I appreciate it.”

“It’s no bother. I thought that after ya’ve had a bit of a kip, we could go out and get a late lunch, what d’ya reckon?”

“Sounds perfect.”

Alex gave him another wide smile. “Come on then, grab ya suitcase and let’s get out of ‘ere.”

***

The car ride back to the house passed by in a flash, both of them chatting excitedly to each other about their new, soon to be released albums. For once, it seemed that their schedules were more or less in sync, with both of them due to go on tour in less than two months’ time. It meant that Miles wouldn’t have very long in LA with Alex before the two of them were separated yet again, but this time he was determined that the days wouldn’t go to waste. He’d had a whole seven months to think about what he was going to say when he finally told Alex the truth, and now all he wanted was to get his feelings off his chest.

Despite his resolve, he was still terrified. He clung hard to that flickering flame of hope that Benny’s words had lit in his heart, regardless of how many times he’d tried to push those words away. The idea that Alex might actually return his feelings bubbled away inside him throughout the journey back to the house, and by the time they pulled into the driveway he found that he could scarcely tear his eyes away from Alex’s face.

They got out and Miles dragged his suitcase up to the front door while Alex was still faffing about with the car. He pulled out the spare key that Alex had given him, but before he could use it, the door swung open of its own accord.

Stood in the doorway was a tall woman with long coppery brown hair, giant gold hoop earrings and a wide smile.

“Miles!” she said, and she leapt forward to give him a hug. Miles hugged her back in stunned silence.

Alex jogged up beside him. “You remember Arielle, don’t ya?” he said.

_Arielle._ Miles felt a heavy weight settle itself in the pit of his stomach. Arielle. Of course, he remembered Arielle. She was Alex’s most recent girlfriend.

Except that Alex had never mentioned that the two of them were still seeing each other. Miles had assumed, since he’d seen no sign of her during his visit last summer, that they’d split up – and he’d never bothered to question Alex about it, knowing his tendency to avoid any and all conversations about his relationships. Yet now, somehow, here she was again, wrapping her arms around Alex and behaving as though the two of them had never been apart. And perhaps they never had been. Perhaps this was yet another stupid mistake that Miles had made about Alex.

“Hi, Arielle,” he managed. “It’s good to see ya. I didn’t know you’d be here.”

“I’m here pretty much most of the time, these days, aren’t I, Al?” she said, dropping a kiss on Alex’s cheek and ruffling a hand through his hair.

Alex smiled at her and said nothing. He turned to Miles. “You want a hand with your things up the stairs?”

“Nah, man. I can manage.” Miles picked up his suitcase and lugged it into the hallway after Arielle. Alex followed and closed the door behind them.

“So, Miles,” Arielle said. “There’s this new place in town that I thought we could all go to for lunch, if you’re up for it? Me and Al went there last week and the food is, like, amazing.”

“Miles needs to get a bit of kip first, love,” Alex said.

“Oh sure, I meant later of course, Miles, when you’ve had a bit of sleep!” Arielle gave Miles a friendly squeeze on the arm and he smiled back at her weakly.

“Thanks,” he said. “I’m gonna go get me head down now actually, if that’s alright with yous two? I’m fuckin’ shattered.”

“Course, mate,” Alex said. “I’ll see ya in a coupla hours, yeah?”

Miles nodded. “Yeah, something like that. In a bit, guys.”

He picked up his suitcase, dragged it across the room and hefted it up the creaking stairs. He made his way along the upstairs hallway to the guest room – his old room. It looked exactly the same as how he’d left it in the summer, and it was as though all the painful feelings that he’d experienced back then were still haunting the room as well, now compounded by this new clusterfuck of a reality.

Alex was with Arielle. Miles had just upended his whole life and moved to a new continent in order to be with someone who was already in a relationship with somebody else.

_You stupid fucking idiot, Kane. You stupid fucking fool._

***

Miles lay on the bed staring up at the ceiling. He’d slept for perhaps three hours, but only fitfully, and if anything he now felt even more tired than when he’d first arrived.

An endless soundtrack of self-recriminating thoughts was playing on repeat inside his head. How could he have been so blind to reality that he’d allowed himself to end up in this situation? Why had he permitted himself to listen to that meathead Benny’s delusional ravings when it was obvious that the bloke was suffering from some kind of jealous crush on Alex? The questions were rhetorical of course – he knew what the answers were. He’d let himself believe that Alex might have feelings for him because he was so desperate for it to be true. He had no one to blame for any of this except himself.

And now he was stuck here in LA for the foreseeable future, with no refuge from the painful emotions that were already threatening to overwhelm him. His only respite would be the upcoming tour. _Thank Christ for the tour_. The gigs that he’d lined up to promote his new record were now his sole means of escape. He needed to get out on the road fast – only then would he be able to distract himself from this hideous fucking nightmare.

In the meantime, he had no choice but to look for somewhere else to stay as quickly as possible. He had to get some headspace. He had to get away from Alex. Existing under the same roof as him would be nothing short of torture now. Miles rubbed a hand roughly across his eyes. He couldn’t believe that all his precious, fragile hopes had been shattered before he’d even had the chance to unpack his suitcase.

His stomach gave a low rumble. _Great, that’s just fucking perfect_. He’d been too restless to eat much during the flight, and now as a result he was starving. The thought of going out for lunch with Alex and Arielle was unbearable. He just couldn’t face the idea of sitting opposite them while they made puppy dog eyes at each other. Still, the problem remained that he had to eat something, and that meant he would have to go downstairs.

He got up and quietly stepped out of his room into the hall. Alex’s bedroom was just opposite and he heard music playing softly from behind the closed door, followed by the sound of Alex’s voice and then Arielle laughing. They were obviously preoccupied. Miles decided to sneak down to the kitchen and make himself a sandwich.

He crept through the hallway and down the stairs, taking care to avoid the ones that creaked. Once he found himself safely alone in the kitchen, he let out a long sigh. He began to raid the cupboards and the fridge, trying to focus his attention on the task at hand. _Bread. Butter. Cheese. Come on Kane, you can do this, get a grip._

“Miles?”

Miles jumped at the sound of Alex’s voice. He hadn’t heard him come in – obviously Alex knew how to avoid the creaky steps as well. _Damn him_. He turned round to find Alex watching him with a quizzical expression. “Hey,” Miles said. “I was just… you know.” He waved the bread knife vaguely and shrugged.

Alex frowned. “You still look really tired, mate. Are you okay?”

“It’s just been a long day,” Miles said. “Not sure I have the energy to go out for lunch, to be honest.”

“That’s fine, we don’t have to go. We can do whatever you want.”

Miles nodded dumbly and turned back to buttering the bread. He ignored Alex as he came further into the kitchen, and instead started cutting thin slices of cheese and laying them on top of each other, one by one. He almost dropped the knife when he felt Alex suddenly wrap both arms around his waist from behind. In the next moment, Alex’s chin was resting gently on his shoulder and Alex was just standing there, breathing warm air against Miles’s ear.

Miles froze. “What are ya doin’ Al?” he said.

“Givin’ you a hug,” Alex said. “You look like ya need one.”

“Yeah, well… maybe you shouldn’t, okay?”

“What?” Alex let go of him and slid on to one of the stools at the breakfast bar. “Why not?”

“I’d just prefer it if you didn’t, that’s all. Maybe we should… set some boundaries or something.”

Alex stared at him as though he was speaking Russian. “What are ya talkin’ about? You don’t want me to hug you anymore?”

Miles sighed and put down the knife. “It’s not that I don’t want ya to, it’s just that I’m… I’m tired of people getting the wrong idea about us all the time. I’m sick of the jokes. I’m pretty sure yer girlfriends must be sick of it too.”

“Me girlfriends?” said Alex. “Is this about Arielle? Did she say summat to you?”

“No, mate, she didn’t.”

“Then where is this coming from?”

Miles shook his head. He grabbed the two halves of the sandwich and slapped them together. “I’m just sayin’ that maybe in future you should just keep yer hugs for yer girlfriends and leave me out of it. Okay?”

Alex looked as though Miles had just slapped him across the face. Then he stood up abruptly. “No, man, that’s not okay,” he said. “You can’t just… you can’t just say that–“

Miles felt a surge of frustration. “Don’t I get to decide what I want then?”

“You just said you didn’t mind it, that it were just the jokes–“

“Right, the jokes. Come on, Al, aren’t you sick of it too? Don’t it bother ya when people laugh at us? Or whisper behind our backs? Or when they post crap about us on the internet? Wouldn’t life just be easier if we–“

“I don’t care about any of them, I care about _you_ ,” Alex said.

“I know ya do, mate, but–“

“No, you _don’t_. You don’t know nothing.” Alex sat back down heavily on the stool. “Christ, you have no fuckin’ clue…” He squeezed his eyes shut and raked his hand roughly through his hair.

Miles stared at him. “What don’t I know? Yer not making any sense.”

Alex didn’t reply. He just sat there, looking down at his hands, twisting his fingers back and forth. Eventually, in a very small voice, he said, “Please don’t ask me to stop bein’ affectionate wi’ ya, man. I just… I’ve missed ya so much. And I know you’re here now, and everythin’… but I still… I just…” He stopped and let out a frustrated sigh. “I can’t find me right words…”

Miles leaned back slowly against the counter. “It’s alright,” he said. “Take yer time, I’m listening.”

Alex sighed again, and there was another long pause before he spoke. Then, he said, “Do ya remember that first night we spent in the bar when you were visitin’ us last summer?”

“Yeah, course I do.”

“You remember that girl I met, the one wearing all the black and leather? Well… I wasn’t totally straight wi’ ya about all that. Me n’ her, we did hook up in the end…”

Miles couldn’t help rolling his eyes. “Do we really have to talk about this now? I don’t care that you ditched me at the bar, it doesn’t matter–“

“It _does_ matter,” said Alex. “Because it were a bad decision. I were just trying to prove summat to meself and it were stupid. I should’ve just been honest wi’ ya–“

Miles interrupted. “Is this about Benny?”

Alex looked up, startled. “What d’ya mean?”

“I saw the two of ya arguing that night. I thought maybe you n’ him were… you know.” Miles raised his eyebrows in an attempt to insinuate his meaning.

Alex’s eyes grew even wider. “Me n’ Benny? Nah, man, that were never the case. I mean, there were some stuff that… but it doesn’t matter. We weren’t even arguing about us that night, we were arguing about you.”

Miles frowned. “About me? Why?”

Alex let out a long slow breath. “He were just tryin’ to get me to see some sense. He said he were sick of seeing me hurt meself over a feeling that was never gonna be requited. He was just tryin’ to be a mate to us, that’s all. And I went to ‘im because… because he was the only one who knew. He was the only one who… who understood how I felt about ya…”

Miles felt his own eyes grow wide. “Wait… what do you–“

“It were always about you, mate,” Alex said. He didn’t look up as he spoke, and his words came out now in a rush as if he couldn’t stop them. “It’s just that I couldn’t admit it to meself. For the longest time, I think I were in denial about it. But then I moved out here, and you were still in London, and I missed ya so much… and I realised that it were real, then, the way I felt–”

“But… but the girl in the bar–“

Alex shook his head. “I only went wi’ her that night because I was tryin’ to take me mind off _you_. When you came out to LA to see us last summer, part of me was thinkin’ that finally this time, maybe… but then Benny said that I were just foolin’ meself…”

Miles stared at Alex with his mouth open. Alex just looked at the ground and continued to twist his hands restlessly in his lap. There were a thousand questions all fighting for precedence in Miles's head, but the one that came out was, "So, does that mean you and Benny were never really writin’ together either?

Alex did look up then, and his mouth seemed to want to curl into a half smirk despite himself. "That's what you're worried about? Out of everythin’ I’ve just told ya, you're jealous of me writing with Benny?"

"Well, if we're finally bein' honest with each other,” Miles said, "then yeah. I was jealous. I miss writin' with ya like you wouldn’t believe. I think about it all the time. I really wish we could give it another go, do another record together."

Alex smiled, but then his eyes sank again and his mouth flattened. "I see,” he said. There was a pause. Then, so quietly that Miles could barely hear him, Alex said, “And is that all that you want?"

Miles looked at Alex. He suddenly seemed so small, perched like that on the stool, almost folded in on himself. Miles had never seen him look so vulnerable, and all at once that old familiar feeling of protectiveness began to surge through him like a wave. It was as though every part of himself was reaching out for Alex, needing to hold him, shelter him, and keep him safe.

He inhaled a deep breath and took a step closer. _It’s now or never, Kane_. He reached out and cupped his hand gently underneath Alex's chin. He lifted Alex's head until Alex was forced to look him in the eye. "No," he said softly. "No, that's not all that I want."

Alex went completely still. It was almost as if he had stopped breathing. Miles wasn’t sure whether he was breathing either. He felt suspended in the moment, his palm against Alex’s cheek, their eyes locked on each other. Miles lifted his other hand and pushed Alex’s hair back from his face, tangling it around his fingers just like he’d imagined doing so many times. Alex’s eyes fluttered shut and he exhaled softly. Miles’s heart was racing as he moved nearer and closed the gap between them. He leant forward and pressed his lips lightly to Alex’s mouth, almost hesitating, part of him expecting Alex to pull away. Instead, Alex reached for him and pulled him closer. His fingers curled into Miles’s hair and his lips parted. Miles shuddered as their kiss grew deeper, and the thought that it was Alex he was kissing, that it was Alex’s tongue in his mouth, made him feel like he was losing control. He felt weak and he’d begun to tremble, and Alex’s fingers in his hair were sending jolts of electricity up and down his spine and–

There was a creak on the stairs.

Miles sprang backwards, away from Alex, and they stared breathlessly at one another. Alex’s eyes were wide with shock. Miles turned away, placed both his hands firmly on the counter and fought to get his breathing back under control. Two seconds later, Arielle pushed open the living room door.

“There you are,” she said to Alex. “I was wondering where you’d got to. Hey, are you guys hungry yet because I’m freaking starving. What do you say to us getting some lunch now?”

“Lunch, right, okay. Miles, you wanna go to lunch?” Alex said.

Miles didn’t dare turn around to look at him. “Yeah, sure. Let’s get lunch. I’m ready when you are.”

Arielle beamed at them both. “Awesome! Come on then, I’ll drive us.”

She turned and grabbed her jacket from the back of the sofa. Alex followed her and Miles followed Alex. The three of them trooped outside and on to the driveway.

Alex hung back slightly as Arielle got into the driver’s side of the car, and Miles took the opportunity to reach out and touch him lightly on the arm.

Alex turned back to him at once, and once again their gazes locked. They stared at each other, and in Alex’s eyes Miles saw everything that he needed to know. He felt his mouth turn up at the corners and Alex answered him with a tiny smile. Then, in unspoken agreement, they broke eye contact and together they climbed into the car alongside Arielle.


	9. Chapter 9

_Although we're tongue-tied and breathless_   
_We won't let our worries dictate who we are_   
_\- Miles Kane_

 

Miles was relieved when he pushed open the door to the restaurant and saw Matt, Nick and Jamie there waiting for them. He wasn’t sure how he would have coped if it had just been him, Alex and Arielle. He raised a hand to wave.

“Alright, Miles,” Jamie said. “Welcome home, mate.”

Miles slid on to one of the bench seats with a grin. “It’s good to be here, man.”

Matt smiled at him. “Ya look pretty bright-eyed for someone who just did an eleven hour flight,” he said. “Take it you managed to get some kip on the plane?”

“Er… yeah, something like that,” Miles said. Alex had just lowered himself on to the bench next to Miles and now he was leaning casually against Miles’s side. The closeness of him was making Miles’s stomach flutter.

Arielle took the seat beside Jamie. “Who’s ordering what?” she said. “Let’s get this show on the road before I die of starvation.” She grinned round at everyone and then ducked behind a menu.

Miles’s stomach rumbled and he remembered how hungry he was. Even so, it was hard to concentrate on choosing something to eat while Alex was right there, pressed up against him. He picked up a menu and began to look through the options, but the words scrambled and disintegrated in front of his eyes when he suddenly felt Alex’s hand on his leg beneath the table. _Fuck me, I’ve forgotten how to read._ He didn’t dare look Alex in the face. He just sat there, trying to breathe normally as Alex’s fingers began tracing small circles up and down his inner thigh.

“So when is it that your new record’s comin’ out, Miles?” Nick said.

“Coupla months, mate. It’s all done though and it’s…” _Oh,_ _Christ._ _Breathe. Damn you, Alex_. “…it’s ready to go, like. Can’t wait to get on the road with it, ya know?”

“Yeah, mate, we’re the same,” Matt said. “Itchin’ to get on tour now.”

Miles placed his hand firmly on top of Alex’s and held it still. _Stop, dammit, you’re driving me crazy._ “It’s all about the live shows, man, innit,” he said to Matt. He fought off a shiver as Alex grabbed his hand, turned it upside down and began to stroke the inside of his wrist.

“True, mate,” Matt said.

The waitress came over to their table. “Are y’all ready to order?”

“We’re all ready, aren’t we?” said Arielle, speaking for everyone.

Alex retracted his hand and quickly picked up a menu, leaving Miles’s nerves swirling with a mixture of relief and disappointment. “I’m more than ready,” he said, and Miles didn’t have to look at him to know that he was grinning.

They ordered their food and continued to chat while they waited for it to arrive, but Miles was sure he would have no memory of the conversation later. He was oblivious to almost everything except for the subtle strokes that Alex kept giving him beneath the table, and by the time their food finally came, Miles was so turned on that he could barely even swallow it.

The food did, however, seem to revive him somewhat. He felt his energy levels begin to rise, and it only added more fuel to the feeling of anticipation that was flickering in his chest. They’d finished their main course and were waiting on dessert when Alex finally excused himself to go to the restroom. Miles watched him go, waited a minute or two, and then excused himself as well.

***

The restroom was the first of several rooms that led off from a long corridor towards the back of the restaurant. Miles leant against the wall just outside it and watched as the serving staff went back and forth from a room further down, which was probably the kitchen. Beyond that was a closed door marked _Staff Only_ , and at the very end of the corridor was a fire exit which had been left propped open with a beer keg. The corridor was stuffy and warm, and the humidity was only vaguely dissipated by the gentle breeze that wafted in via the fire exit from the outside.

Miles loitered in the corridor until the restroom door swung open, and then Alex emerged, still running a comb through his hair. His eyes became instantly questioning when he caught sight of Miles waiting for him.

“What–“

“Ssssh,” Miles cut him off and nodded towards the fire exit. Alex glanced quickly in that direction, and a look of understanding came over his face. He nodded back. They hesitated as one of the waitresses came past them carrying a tower of pint glasses, but as soon as she’d disappeared into the kitchen, Miles grabbed Alex by the wrist and proceeded to drag him down the corridor. The two of them snuck out of the fire exit and into the alleyway behind the restaurant.

As soon as they were outside, Alex turned to Miles as if to say something, but Miles didn’t give him the chance. He gripped Alex by the hips and pushed him back roughly against the wall. Alex let out a surprised little huff of air, but that was all he managed to get out before Miles crashed their mouths together. He wrapped both arms tightly round Alex’s waist and kissed him on the lips repeatedly until Alex submitted, opened his mouth, and let Miles explore with his tongue. Miles’s heart began to pound in response to the feeling of Alex being so pliant and willing beneath his touch. He pressed himself closer and allowed his thigh to slip between Alex’s legs. Alex made a strangled _mmmf_ sound and grabbed hold of a clenched fistful of Miles’s hair.

Miles kept kissing him until he was panting and he had to stop to come up for air. “You… you’re a damn tease, Turner,” he said.

“Shut up and kiss me again,” Alex said.

Miles groaned and plunged both his hands into the dark tangle of Alex’s hair. He drew Alex into another open-mouthed kiss, and this time Alex gave as good as he got and Miles felt his legs begin to grow weak under the insistent pressure of Alex’s tongue.

When they broke for air again they were both panting hard.

“We… we ought to go back,” Miles said. “Before they miss us.”

“I know… I know...” Alex said, but he grabbed hold of Miles again and pressed their foreheads together. “Jesus Christ, Miles.”

Miles laughed, but it came out breathless. “You’ve wanted this for… for a long time, haven’t ya?” he said, but then he hissed as Alex tugged sharply on his hair.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Alex said. “You’re the one who… who’s dragged me outside to–“

“Oh, it’s like that, is it?” Miles said. He pushed Alex back against the wall and then they were kissing again, with even more fervour than before. Miles pressed his whole body against Alex until he felt Alex push back, and then he broke the kiss to sink his teeth into Alex’s neck. Alex gave a low startled whine. “Admit… admit it,” Miles said. “Admit that you want me.”

“Fuck… off…” Alex said, but then he moaned as Miles thrust into him. “ _Jesus_ …”

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Miles said.

“Wanker,” Alex said. He brought their lips together again and dove his tongue repeatedly into Miles’s mouth, until Miles began to shudder with the strength of his mounting desire.

From back inside the restaurant came a sudden clatter, as if someone had just dropped a load of pots and pans on the floor. Miles blinked and pushed Alex off him, suddenly remembering where they were.

“Okay… stop… we have… we have to stop,” he said. “Someone’s going to catch us.” He took in Alex’s flushed face and bedraggled hair. “You need to go fix yourself… you kinda look like you just got shagged in an alleyway.”

“I fucking wish,” Alex said.

There was a micro pause where they just looked at each other, and then as one they both dissolved into silent breathless laughter.

“Come on,” Miles said. He grabbed hold of the back of Alex’s neck and pushed him towards the fire exit. “Before they send out a search party.”

Alex let Miles manhandle him back inside and up the corridor, but when they reached the restroom door, he turned back, pulled Miles close to him and pressed his lips against Miles’s ear.

“I admit it,” he whispered. “I do want you. Later, I’ll show you how much.” He drew back and licked softly at the corner of Miles’s mouth. Then he gave Miles a shit-eating grin and disappeared back inside the restroom.

For some seconds, Miles just stood in the corridor and stared stupidly at the closed door. He had to untuck his shirt so that it hung loosely below his hips before he could safely go back to the table.

***

Miles began to feel as though the meal would never be over. The desserts were accompanied by a seemingly endless conversation, and this was then followed by an extended smoking break outside the restaurant, which was in turn followed by a round of coffees and then an even longer conversation.

He felt as though he was barely holding on to the threads of social decorum. All he could think about was how naïve he’d been to think that he’d understood what his desire for Alex felt like. All those months when he’d been pining for him, longing for him – that feeling was nothing compared to the intensity of the ache and the suspense that consumed him now. He was practically climbing out of his skin with frustration, and Alex, the little shit, was lounging in his seat, chatting and laughing as though he was enjoying every moment of Miles’s discomfort. Every so often, their eyes would meet and Miles would see that Alex was just as hungry for the two of them to be alone as he was, and yet Alex made no move to hurry things along. _He must be some kind of fucking masochist_. It was the only explanation that Miles could come up with for Alex’s apparent lack of urgency. He seemed to be getting some kind of sick buzz out of the unresolved sexual tension that was pulsing like a heartbeat between the two of them.

Perhaps Miles was just being paranoid, but he felt as though Matt was starting to give him and Alex odd looks, and he was worried that his desire was stamped all over his face for everyone to see. He kept sneaking little glances at Arielle to see if she had picked up on it, but she was sipping at her coffee and smiling and she seemed blissfully unaware of anything unusual. At least for now.

Miles didn’t want to think about Arielle. She seemed like a nice enough girl, she was funny and sweet, and he was sure that she didn’t deserve to be cheated on by her boyfriend. He wished he could say that the guilt was giving him second thoughts, but there was no room for anything in his head right now apart from Alex. He kept reliving the sensation of Alex’s tongue pressing against his own, the feeling of Alex’s warm body tight and tense under his hands. It was almost too much to take, but he couldn’t help himself. He was finding it harder and harder to keep a straight face.

He bit back a sigh of relief when Matt checked his watch and finally suggested that they head back to the house. They paid the bill and then Miles and Matt both piled into the backseat of Arielle’s car, while Alex sat up front.

“Nick and Cookie are gonna stop for more beers on the way,” Matt said, as Arielle started the engine. “Hopefully we’ll have enough to see us through the night.”

“There’s only six of us, man,” Alex said. “How much were ya planning on drinkin’?”

“There’s gonna be way more than six of us, mate,” Matt said. “We’ve got James comin’ round, and Josh, and the lads from the studio, and–“

“Woah, woah, who invited all these people?” Alex said. He turned round and stared at Matt.

Matt rolled his eyes. “You never bloody listen, do ya? I told ya yesterday that we were gonna have a little get together, now that Miles is here and the record’s pretty much wrapped up and everything.”

Alex shot a look at Miles. “How many people we talkin’?” he said.

“I dunno, man. Twenty? Twenty-five? That’s why I said we need to get back, they’ll be arriving any time soon and someone needs to set up the barbecue for later on.”

Alex stared at Matt for a moment, then he huffed out a sharp sigh and turned back to face the front.

Matt shook his head and made a face at Miles. “Anti-social git, in’t he?”

“As always,” Miles said, but he caught Alex’s gaze in the rear view mirror as he spoke. Alex’s eyes were a reflection of Miles's own frustrated yearning. _Guess you didn’t plan on this, then, did ya?_ Miles rubbed a hand roughly across his face and sighed under his breath. It was looking as if tonight was about to be a long one for the both of them.

***

By the time the sun had gone down, the house was full of people. Some of them Miles knew, but most of them he didn’t. It wasn’t an especially large house, and there was no space that wasn’t taken up with people lounging against walls, sprawled on sofas or beds, or gathered in hallways. The drinks were flowing freely and everyone seemed to be having a good time.

Miles had determined that he was going to have a good time too, despite the circumstances, and to that end he was currently attempting to drown his sexual frustration with a large number of vodka jello shots. So far, his strategy was not showing much sign of success. He couldn’t stop his eyes from wandering to Alex, who was standing on the other side of the room with a microphone in his hand, currently attempting to rap along with whatever karaoke tune Arielle had just picked out for him. He’d stripped down to just his vest and he was wearing a pair of jeans that had practically more holes than fabric. His feet were bare against the wooden floor and Miles could tell from the way he was swaying that he was more than a little tipsy. _It ought to be illegal for him to go around looking like that._

Alex looked up at that moment as though he’d just heard what Miles was thinking. He glanced around until he spotted Miles, and their eyes met across the room. Alex gave him the tiniest of smirks but he kept right on singing into the mic until he reached the end of a verse, and then, without breaking eye contact, he slowly and deliberately ran his tongue over his upper lip. Miles almost choked on his drink. He turned and quickly looked away.

“You alright, mate?” Matt said. He gave Miles a slightly concerned frown. “How many of those bloody things have ya had?”

“M’fine, m’fine,” Miles said. “Just… er… need to go take a piss. Back in a bit.”

He avoided Matt’s eyes, left the living room area and squeezed past all the people in the downstairs hallway until he reached the bathroom. He shut the door behind him, leaned heavily against it and tried to count to a hundred. It wasn’t helping. Every one of his nerve endings was tingling and his mind kept feeding him images of Alex. The vodka shots had clearly been a mistake. What he really needed was some fresh air to clear his head, maybe even a short walk around the block. Failing that, he would just have to try to avoid Alex for the rest of the night, or at least until he sobered up a bit. Miles knew from experience that Alex was an extremely flirtatious drunk, and he just couldn’t trust himself to be around that kind of energy right now. Not unless he wanted to end up with his tongue down Alex’s throat again, only this time with everyone watching.

He took a few deep breaths and straightened himself out in the mirror, and then he opened the bathroom door.

Waiting for him right outside the door was Alex.

Miles instantly froze, but before he could say anything Alex had planted a firm hand on his chest and wordlessly pushed him backwards into the bathroom. The door closed behind them and Miles heard a soft click as Alex locked it.

Miles’s mouth dropped open. “What the fuck are you doing?”

Alex grabbed hold of him and pushed him up against the wall. “What does it look like?” he said. He gave Miles a devilish smile, dipped his head, and then ran his tongue slowly up the side of Miles’s neck.

“ _Fuck_. Alex, seriously, we can’t do this now, someone’s going to–“

“Sssshh.” Alex put his hand over Miles’s mouth. “They won’t hear us if we’re quiet.” He smiled again, withdrew his hand and pecked Miles on the lips with a little chaste kiss. Then he dropped to his knees.

“Alex, Jesus–“

Miles hardly had time to blink before Alex was undoing his belt, and then his zip, and in the next moment Alex was palming him through his boxers. Miles let out a groan.

“Be _quiet_ ,” Alex hissed. “And stay still.”

“Can’t fuckin’ stay still with you doing that. Oh _Christ_ –“

Alex had a hand on him now and he was slowly moving it back and forth. Miles arched his back involuntarily and his head smacked against the tiles. He barely felt it. All he could feel was the pressure where Alex was touching him. He glanced down at the top of Alex’s dark head. “Stop… stop fuckin’ teasing me, you little shit.”

Alex looked up at him and grinned. He waited until he had Miles’s complete attention, and then he bent his head and took the whole of Miles’s length in his mouth. Miles threw his head back again and clamped his mouth shut to stifle another cry. His knees buckled and he almost collapsed to the floor as he felt Alex began to sweep his tongue in slow circles around the head of his cock. He made a desperate grab for the sink to try to keep himself upright.

Alex increased the pace, and the heat of his mouth coupled with the crazy gymnastics he was doing with his tongue was already pushing Miles close to the edge. He let out a moan as Alex retracted his mouth and then swallowed him again.

“ _Fuck_ … fucking _Christ_ … how the fuck are you so good at this?”

Alex pulled back and looked up at Miles with a crooked smile.

Miles stared at him. “Are you serious? You’re telling me you’ve done this before?”

Alex gave a little shrug, then bent his head again and licked a moist line all the way from the base of Miles’s cock to the tip.

“Oh my _god_ –“

Alex swallowed him again, and Miles reached down and grabbed a fistful of Alex’s hair to hold him still. He began to thrust slowly against Alex’s mouth. Alex relaxed his jaw and let Miles do it. He reached around and grabbed hold of Miles by the hips, pulling him closer. Miles arched backwards, his mouth open, as wave after wave of heat began to roll through him.

The bathroom door handle gave a sudden rattle. “Oi, who’s in there? Come on mate, some of us gotta pee.” It was Matt. The door handle rattled again and then there was a knocking sound.

Alex made a choking noise and drew back. “Just a minute!”

Miles hissed. “Don’t you dare stop.”

Alex’s eyes darted from Miles to the door and back again. “Okay, okay,” he said. He lowered his head once more and Miles gasped as another shockwave of pleasure pulsed through him.

More banging on the door. “Al, I know that’s you. Come on, you’ve been ages. I swear to god, if you’re getting high in there again.” _Bang, bang, bang_. “Al? Don’t make me use the spare key, man.”

Miles and Alex both froze at once. Miles looked at Alex in horror. _Spare key?_

The door handle rattled again. Alex leapt to his feet and Miles yanked his boxers back up.

“We’re coming out – don’t come in here!” Alex called out.

“You said _we_ ,” Miles hissed.

Alex looked back at him with wide eyes. “Shit.”

Miles raked both hands back through his hair. “Now what are we supposed to do?”

“Just… just act normal. It’s just Matt, it’s fine.”

“It’s _not_ fine, man. And ya look like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards.”

“Whose fault is that?” Alex said. He turned to the mirror and started trying to salvage the mess that Miles had made of his hair for the second time that day.

Matt banged on the door for the fourth time. “Alex?”

“Okay, okay!” Alex grabbed hold of Miles’s hand. “Come on.”

“Wait–“

But Alex was already unlocking the bathroom door and pulling it open. Matt stood there in the doorway, his arm raised as if he was about to knock again. He stared with a confused expression at both of them, his eyes flicking from Alex, to Miles, and then back again. He looked down at their still clasped hands, and Miles felt his face flare with heat.

“Are… you okay?” Matt said slowly.

“Fine, mate,” Alex said, too breezily to be convincing. “Miles felt a bit sick, is all. We’re gonna go get some fresh air now. Back in a bit.”

Matt opened his mouth as if to say something else, but Alex didn’t wait. He dragged Miles past Matt, out of the bathroom, down the hallway and out the back door into the garden. There were still party guests loitering around outside, so Alex steered them towards the narrow side passage which ran down the length of the house and up towards the front gate. They ducked out of sight behind the wall.

Miles immediately crouched down and buried his face in his hands. “Fuck, _fuck_.”

Alex crouched down beside him. “Calm down,” he whispered. “I don’t think he realised what–”

Miles snorted. “Come on, man, Matt’s not an idiot. He’s been giving us the fuckin’ side-eye ever since the restaurant. He knows what’s up.”

Alex breathed out slowly. “Maybe,” he said eventually. “But he won’t say anything. And even if he does… even if he does, it don’t change anything, mate.”

Miles took his hands away from his face. “What?”

Alex managed a half smile. “I mean, I know it’s not great timing and everythin’, what wi’ us both bein’ in the spotlight right now with the new records… but, well, if people find out, then they find out.” He reached over and pushed Miles’s hair back from his face. “It don’t change how I feel about ya, man,” he said. “It never will.”

Miles swallowed hard. He stared at Alex, suddenly unable to think of anything to say.

Alex looked down at the ground. “Unless…” he said. “I mean, unless that stuff that you said before… about people making jokes about us… if it really bothers ya then we could always just–“

Miles grabbed hold of Alex’s hand and squeezed it. “It don’t bother me,” he said quickly. “It never did. I only said that because– I don’t know why I said it. It’s not true anyways.”

Alex looked back up at him, his eyes over-bright. “Okay,” he said softly.

“Okay,” Miles repeated. He squeezed Alex’s hand again. Alex squeezed back.

There was a crunch of footsteps on gravel close by and they both looked up.

“Alex? Are you out here?” came a voice.

“Shit, it’s Arielle.” Alex said. He lifted himself unsteadily to his feet and pulled Miles up after him. “We’d better go inside, yeah?”

Miles let out a deep breath. “Yeah. Yeah, let’s go back inside.”

Alex gave himself a little shake and squeezed Miles’s hand once more before letting go. Then he paused, turned back, and pressed a soft kiss to Miles’s mouth. “After you then, mate,” he said.

Miles grinned. “Nah,” he said. “Let’s go together.” He slung an arm round Alex’s shoulders. Alex’s smile grew wider and he hooked his arm around Miles’s waist. Together, the two of them emerged from the side passage and made their way back up the garden towards the house.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait guys - it took me a bit longer than I expected to wrestle this final chapter into submission, but here we are at last :)

If I dream about the end of our story  
We'll see our names carved into stone  
You're taking me on a journey  
Into the unknown  
\- Miles Kane

 

The house was quiet and still when Miles woke late the next morning, and for some time he just lay in bed staring up at the ceiling and recalling everything that had happened the previous day. His stomach writhed with a mixture of excitement, nerves and embarrassment. He was still tingling with the memory of Alex’s touch, but he wasn’t sure how he was going to face Matt this morning, or how Matt might treat him now that he’d basically caught Miles and Alex in the act of hooking up.

He sighed, stretched, and pushed back the bed covers. He had to face the music sooner or later, so he figured it might as well be now.

It didn’t take him long to shower and dress, but when he came out into the hallway he saw that Alex’s bedroom door was already open and the room was empty. He stood still and listened for a few seconds, but he could hear no voices from downstairs. Perhaps everyone had gone out and left him alone to sleep in.

He made his way down to the living room and pushed open the door. He flinched when he saw Matt sat at the breakfast bar by himself, tapping away quietly at his phone. Matt looked up as Miles entered and slowly laid his phone down. “Morning,” he said.

“Hi,” Miles said. He shoved his hands in his pockets to keep himself from fidgeting. He forced himself to look Matt in the eye.

Matt looked back, his expression unreadable.

Miles came forward and sat down on one of the stools opposite Matt. “So, erm… have ya seen Al this morning?” he said. “He’s not in ‘is room.”

“He went out for breakfast with Arielle.”

“Oh.” Miles paused. “I’m gonna make some coffee and scrambled eggs, then – ya want some?”

Matt leaned back and folded his arms. “That depends,” he said. “Are ya going to tell me what’s goin’ on?”

Miles swallowed. “What d’ya mean?”

“I think ya know what I mean,” Matt said. He gave Miles a pointed look, and then sighed when Miles looked back at him uneasily. “Look, mate,” he said, “normally I’d say it was none of my business, but the fact is that we’re about to go on tour. I need to know whether I should be expectin’ some kind of drama. So tell me the truth. What’s goin’ on between you n’ Al? Are ya friends wi’ benefits now or summat?”

Miles blushed furiously and looked down at his hands. “I… erm… I’m not really sure what we are, to be honest, man. We ‘aven’t really talked about it, as such.”

“So, I’m right in thinkin’ that there’s summat non-platonic goin’ on between the two of ya?”

Miles felt his cheeks grow even warmer. He gave a small nod.

“And does Arielle know?”

“Uh, no,” Miles said. “At least, I don’t think so. I don’t think anyone else knows apart from you. We only kinda figured it out for ourselves yesterday…”

Miles glanced up warily to gauge Matt’s response and there was a momentary pause. Then Matt snorted. “Yesterday?” he said. He looked at Miles and shook his head. “Jesus Christ. I coulda told the pair of ya bloody years ago, if you’d asked me.”

Miles stared at him. “You what?”

“You coulda asked Jamie or Nick too, for that matter. Oh come on, don’t look at me like that. We all knew it were love at first sight between the two of ya.”

Miles shook his head vehemently. “Nah, man, it was never like that, I swear. I never felt like this about him before. It’s different.”

“What’s different about it?”

Miles blushed again. “I dunno, it’s like… every day, I wake up and I’m thinkin’ about ‘im. It’s like I can’t get his stupid face outta me ‘ead. I can’t… I can’t see meself without ‘im, ya know?” _Not to mention that he gave me the best fucking blow job of my life yesterday and he turns me on like you wouldn’t believe…_

Miles looked hesitantly back at Matt and was relieved to see that he was smiling.

“Okay, I think I get the picture,” Matt said. “But listen, mate, perhaps it’s best if you keep it low key for now, yeah? Bloody press would ‘ave a field day. Maybe wait until after the tour if you’re thinkin’ about goin’ public?”

Miles nodded. “I dunno if either of us is ready to go public, to be honest. It’s early days. We still have some stuff to figure out.”

“Well, keep us posted, then,” Matt said. “And just so ya know, me n’ the lads’ll support ya, whatever ya decide you wanna do.”

Miles breathed out a long sigh. “Wow. Okay. Thanks man, that’s… thanks.”

Matt waved a hand dismissively. “Just promise me one thing,” he said.

“What’s that?”

“No more shaggin’ in the bloody bathroom when we’ve got guests, yeah?”

Miles spluttered. “We weren’t–“

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Matt shot him a teasing smirk. “You gonna make us that coffee then or do I have to get it meself?”

***

After a very late breakfast, Miles helped Matt to tidy up the debris that the previous night’s party had left behind. It was comforting to lose himself in such ordinary domestic tasks after the emotional rollercoaster of the past 24 hours. Afterwards, the two of them settled themselves in the living room and put on a movie – a romantic comedy, since Alex wasn’t home. It turned out that Matt did have a copy of Pretty Woman after all.

At around three o’clock in the afternoon, Miles heard the front door open and close, and then a few seconds later Alex landed with a thump on the sofa beside him. He wrapped an arm around Miles’s neck and pulled him into a hug.

“Hey, man,” he said. “Missed ya.”

Miles immediately glanced over at Matt, expecting him to be ready with a cheeky joke or a teasing comment. Matt was indeed watching the two of them from his chair opposite, and Miles could see that there was a slight smirk on his face, but after a moment he just turned his attention back towards the film, saying nothing.

Miles allowed himself to relax into Alex’s arms. “Hey,” he said. “Missed you too.”

“What are we watchin’?” Alex said. And then, ”Oh, Christ – really?”

“Shut-up, you,” Miles said. He gave Alex a gentle dig in the ribs. “Either move or lie back, I can’t see the screen with yer head in the way.”

Alex made a face, but he did as he was told. He lay back lengthways on the sofa with his head against Miles’s chest. Miles glanced surreptitiously at Matt once more, and then draped his arm loosely across Alex’s torso. A minute or so later, he threaded his other hand into Alex’s hair and began to massage his head in slow gentle circles. Alex closed his eyes at once and let out a barely audible sigh.

Miles closed his eyes too, enjoying the sensation of Alex’s warm body leaning against him. He continued to stroke Alex’s hair, and every now and then he heard Alex hum softly.

Some minutes passed.

Eventually, Matt stood up and stretched. “Right,” he said. “I’m off out, lads.”

Alex opened his eyes and looked over at him. “Really? Where’re you off to?”

Matt shrugged. “You know. Errands and stuff. I’ll probably be gone for an hour or two, but maybe we can order take out when I get back, what d’ya reckon?”

“Sounds good mate,” Miles said.

“Sorted,” Matt said. “I’ll see yas in a bit then.” He crossed the room and disappeared out into the hallway. A few seconds later, Miles heard the front door open and shut once again.

For a while longer, they continued to watch the film without speaking. Julia Roberts was on her way to the opera in her red dress. Miles kept running his fingers idly through Alex’s hair. Then, all at once, it dawned on him that he and Alex were alone in the house.

The realisation must have struck Alex at the exact same moment, because he suddenly sat bolt upright and turned round to face Miles with a wide-eyed look.

“Did he… just go out and leave us by us-selves deliberately?” Alex said.

“Uh… actually, yeah, I think he might’ve,” Miles said. “He knows about us, man. He asked me about it this morning while you were out.”

Alex’s eyes grew wider. “Wow. I hadn’t pegged him to be such an enabler.”

Miles’s lips twitched into a smile. “Yeah, me neither,” he said.

They looked at each other for a moment, and Miles felt a sudden unanticipated flurry of nerves. He thought back to the previous day, when they’d been all but ripping each other’s clothes off at the first opportunity. The last thing that he’d expected to feel upon finally getting Alex all to himself was any sense of shyness or hesitation. Perhaps it was because he was much more aware, this time, of what was about to happen. The choice that they were about to make seemed somehow much more premeditated and deliberate than it had yesterday, and Miles was conscious of the invisible line that they were crossing, in a way that he hadn’t been before.

He swallowed. Alex’s face was still and serious, and Miles wondered if the same thoughts were occurring to him as well.

Alex took hold of Miles by the arm and gave him a gentle tug. “Come ‘ere,” he said softly.

Miles let Alex pull him closer. His fingers wandered to Alex’s knee, and then upwards to his inner thigh. The jeans that Alex was wearing were obscenely tight and they clung to him in a way that fired Miles’s imagination. Alex pressed their foreheads together. His breath was warm against Miles’s face, and his dark eyes seemed almost black. Miles’s heart was beginning to pound already and all they were doing was looking at each other. Alex seemed more than content to let the moment linger. He raised his hand and traced his fingers lightly down Miles’s neck. The gentle caress set all of Miles’s nerve endings alight.

Then Alex leaned to one side and pressed his lips up against Miles’s ear. “I want to touch you,” he whispered. “Tell me where you want it.”

The words made Miles’s skin prickle. “Let… let me kiss you first,” he said.

Alex smiled against Miles’s cheek. “How about if I kiss you instead?” he said. He pushed Miles backwards into the cushions and swiftly manoeuvred himself into Miles’s lap, straddling him and pinning him to the sofa. “Put ya hands on me waist,” he said.

Miles pressed his fingers against Alex’s sides and immediately felt the heat of him and the firmness of his muscles beneath the thin material of his t-shirt. The weight of Alex pressing down into his lap was already making him breathless.

“Christ, Al,” he whispered.

Alex leaned over him, his dark hair falling across his face. “Close your eyes,” he said.

Miles closed his eyes, and then shuddered as he felt Alex lick at the corner of his mouth and bite down gently on his bottom lip. He opened his mouth to allow Alex to slide in his tongue, and then Alex was kissing him so slowly and so deeply that Miles felt faint from it. Alex pushed his fingers into Miles’s hair in that way that always drove him crazy and he tightened his grip on Alex’s waist in response, urging him closer. His fingers slipped beneath the hem of Alex’s t-shirt and then he was pressing them into Alex’s bare skin. Alex was smooth and hot beneath his hands, but the contact was nowhere near enough. Miles wanted more. He wanted to be able to feel Alex everywhere.

He broke their kiss and tugged sharply on Alex’s t-shirt. “Take this off,” he said.

Alex leaned backwards and gave him a flirtatious grin. He lifted both arms to the neck of his t-shirt and then tugged it off over his head in a single fluid movement. He tossed it on to the floor. Miles swept his eyes over Alex’s bare chest, his toned stomach, his biceps and his tanned skin. He was almost too beautiful to look at. He pulled Alex down into another deep kiss, slid both his hands up Alex’s naked back and grabbed hold of two fistfuls of his dark hair. He tugged gently and Alex made a soft moaning sound that sent shivers running over Miles’s body. He tightened his grip and tugged again.

Alex pulled away with a slight gasp. “Jesus, what is it wi’ you and me hair?” he said.

“Sorry,” said Miles. “Do ya want me to stop?”

“No, I want ya to do it harder,” Alex said, and he pressed his mouth firmly to Miles’s lips and kissed him in a way that was much more urgent than the kisses that had gone before.

Miles felt the heat in his body rise. He took hold of Alex, lifted him and then dropped him backwards on to the sofa. Alex immediately wrapped both arms around Miles’s shoulders and pulled Miles down on top of him. Miles pressed his mouth first to Alex’s neck, then his collarbone, then his bare chest, and finally he began to circle one nipple slowly with the tip of his tongue. Alex uttered a soft cry and threw his head back. Miles licked and kissed his way down Alex’s body, sinking lower until he reached his stomach and his hips, and the waistband of his jeans.

Alex reached out and grabbed a handful of Miles’s hair. “Miles… wait. Should we… do ya... want to go upstairs?”

Miles hesitated before answering. The question seemed loaded with unspoken subtext. He planted another kiss on Alex’s stomach. “We could go upstairs,” he said softly. “If that’s what you want.”

Alex opened his eyes and looked at Miles, and then he nodded.

Miles drew in a breath. “Okay, then, let’s go,” he said. He pushed himself upright.

“You go up first,” Alex said. “I’m just gonna grab summat from the… erm… I’ll be up in a minute.”

“Okay,” Miles said. “Don’t be too long.”

Alex gave him a quick smile, got to his feet and then disappeared out of the door in the direction of the bathroom. Miles stood up shakily and made his way up the stairs. He moved quickly along the upstairs hallway, went into Alex’s bedroom and sat down heavily on the bed. His heart was still racing. He took a few deep breaths and tried to collect his thoughts. He was tingling all over, partly with anticipation but also with nerves. He wasn’t completely sure what Alex intended yet, but whatever it was he knew it would be new territory for him. Up until the previous two days, and barring the occasional drunken snog with a random stranger in a nightclub, all of Miles’s previous sexual encounters had been with women. He’d already sensed that this wasn’t the case for Alex, but he didn’t know how far Alex had ventured with it. It wasn’t something that they’d ever talked about before.

Miles looked up at the sound of the bedroom door closing. Alex walked towards him, still shirtless, and Miles couldn’t help staring. He gave Miles a little coy smile as he came nearer, and Miles reached out, grabbed him round the waist and pulled him close. He pressed his lips to the smooth skin of Alex’s bare stomach and Alex responded by thrusting his hands into Miles’s hair. Miles uttered a low groan. He let his hands explore, running them up Alex’s naked body and then back down again to grip Alex by the ass. His fingers closed over something in Alex’s back pocket.

He drew out the item and looked at it. “Oh,” he said. He looked up at Alex and was surprised to see him blushing.

“It’s… we don’t have to, if ya don’t want to,” Alex said.

Miles swallowed. “I’m not saying I don’t want to,” he said. “But what do you want, exactly?”

“Just you,” Alex said softly.

Miles considered, then nodded slowly. “If ya want me to… to take the lead, then I can. I’ve done it before. Never with a bloke, though.”

Alex responded by climbing into Miles’s lap and kissing him fiercely. He grabbed hold of Miles’s t-shirt collar and tugged. Miles lifted his arms and allowed Alex to pull his t-shirt off over his head. He grabbed hold of Alex by the waist and manoeuvred him on to the bed.

One by one, he undid the buttons on Alex’s jeans, then tugged the jeans off and tossed them on to the floor. Alex was breathing heavily, and the sight of him lying there in just his boxers gave Miles a sudden feeling of déjà vu. He’d pictured scenes like this so often in his head that he felt almost as though he’d been here before – but of course that wasn’t true. The reality was that he’d never touched Alex so intimately.

He let out a shaky breath. Memories of Alex, and of the two of them, were suddenly flitting through his head like a film reel. Images of them laughing together, singing together, drinking and dancing together. They’d been in each other’s lives for so long now, and yet somehow there seemed to be so many things about Alex that Miles had never known, or that were strange and unfamiliar. Alex’s new self-assured confidence, his cockiness and bravado both on stage and off, his rock star looks – all of these things had recently combined to make Alex seem more like a stranger than Miles’s best friend. He knew that, for the most part, it was just an act… but it was an act that had bled into ordinary life, and in some way it had changed his perception of who Alex was.

It was surely that very change in perception which had led him to this place, and to this bed – but now that he was here, and finally on the cusp of realising his desire, Miles felt suddenly uncertain. His memory of Alex as a soft-haired, soft-eyed boy of nineteen just wouldn’t gel with the image of this new Alex, the rock star, who was currently lying before him on the bed and looking up at him with an enigmatic smile. All at once, he felt like he was losing his nerve. He’d spent seven long months fantasising about this very moment, and yet now that it was here, he felt frozen, caught on the brink. He swallowed hard. He could feel his heart beating in his throat.

“Miles?” Alex said. “What’s wrong?”

Miles shook his head. “Nothing, it’s nothing.”

“It don’t look like nothing.”

Miles sighed. He crawled up to the top of the bed and lay down on his side facing Alex. Alex reached out, wrapped an arm around Miles’s waist and pulled him closer.

“Tell me what you’re thinkin’ about,” Alex said.

Miles had another fleeting moment of déjà vu, and it made him smile a little. “I guess I was just thinkin’ about the first time we met,” he said. “I was thinkin’ about… about all the things that’ve changed since then.”

“Like what?”

“Well… like you,” Miles said. “Yer so different lately to how I remember ya from way back in the day. It’s like… like yer someone else, almost.”

Alex tilted his head to one side. “Nah,” he said. “I’m still me. I’m just better dressed these days.”

Miles shook his head. “It’s not just that, though,” he said. “I mean, I know yer whole rock star image thing is just an act… and when I look at ya, most times I can see that it’s still you, and that yer just wearin’ a mask of sorts. But then, there are other times…” He stopped, hesitating.

Alex nodded at him. “Go on.”

Miles exhaled. “Well… there are other times when it feels like… like there’s _only_ the mask. Sometimes I feel like I can’t even see ya anymore.”

There was a pregnant silence.

Eventually, Alex breathed out a sigh. “I’m still ‘ere, man,” he said. He paused and looked down at his hands. “I mean, if I’m bein’ completely honest wi’ ya, there were a time when I thought that maybe I were startin’ to lose meself. It gets to ya sometimes, ya know? All the people, the whole world wantin’ a piece of ya.” He paused again, frowning. “But that’s what me stage character is for, in a way. It’s like, I dunno, a defence mechanism against all that. As for me real self… I just figure that they can’t own what’s kept hidden from ‘em, ya know?”

Miles nodded slowly. “I understand what yer sayin’,” he said. “But it’s not just on the stage though, is it? Sometimes I feel like… like yer hidin’ from me too.”

Alex didn’t say anything for a moment. He fidgeted with the bed covers, rolling idly them between his thumb and forefinger. “Can I ask ya summat?” he said eventually.

“Course.”

“When was it that ya realised that you felt summat… you know… about us?”

Miles thought for a moment. When had it been? Last summer? Or when Alex had first moved to LA? Or even before that? He shrugged. “I wish I could tell ya, man,” he said. “I think it must ‘ave been a gradual thing. It seemed like it came outta nowhere at the time, but now that I think about it, maybe Matt was right.” He gave Alex a little joking smile. “Maybe it was love at first sight, after all.”

Alex snorted. “Matt said that?”

“Yeah, he did.”

Alex made a face. “What does he know, anyway?”

“More than us, apparently.”

Alex went silent again. Miles could tell he was mulling something over, so he waited.

“I didn’t mean to hide meself from you,” Alex said finally. “I suppose I were just afraid. I thought that if you found out how I felt, then it would be all over between us. It were easier just to hide it, then to take the risk of… of losing ya.” He paused and looked down at his hands again. “And as for now… I guess part of me is still afraid that you’ll… you know… change ya mind or summat…”

Miles sighed. He reached out and brushed Alex’s hair back from his face. “Al, look at me. You will _never_ lose me. It won’t happen, okay? And I’m not gonna change me mind.” He stroked his thumb gently across Alex’s cheek. “All I need to know is that this is really you here with me right now… and not just some part of yer act.”

Alex reached up and took Miles’s hand. “It’s really me,” he said.

Miles managed a small smile. He gave Alex’s hand a squeeze, and for a moment they watched each other without speaking.

Then Miles said, “Listen, I do know it’s hard for ya to stay sane out there sometimes, so… I guess, just do what ya need to do, and be whoever ya need to be for ‘em. But can ya promise me one thing?”

Alex raised his eyebrows slightly. “What?”

“Promise me you’ll remember that when it’s just the two of us here, you never hafta pretend to be something yer not. You never have to put on a show for me. I know who you are, and yer safe here with me, always – no matter what ‘appens.”

Alex’s eyes were glistening. He blinked a couple of times. “You’re like me guardian angel, aren’t ya?” he said.

Miles nodded. “Yeah. That’s exactly what I am. I’d never let anythin’ bad happen to ya, man.”

“I know that,” Alex said. “I think I always knew that.”

Alex smiled at him, and it was a smile that was brimming with gentle affection and honesty. Miles smiled back, and at long last he saw in Alex’s expression the shy, soft-eyed boy that he remembered. It was Alex, the real Alex, looking back at him right now and not some carefully crafted mask. And although, perhaps, the mask had served some purpose in giving him new eyes with which to see their familiar relationship, he knew now for certain that it’d never really been the mask that he’d been drawn towards. It’d only ever been Alex himself.

Now, he could see past all those layers of misdirection and camouflage to what was really there. It was his own heart – not in his chest, but reflected in the dark mirror of Alex’s eyes. It was no small wonder that he’d felt so hollowed out when Alex had left him alone in London. He realised now that the truth was simple – when Alex had flown across the ocean almost exactly one year ago, he’d taken the biggest piece of Miles with him.

Miles looked at Alex, his heart fluttering with its new understanding, and Alex looked back at him, his brown eyes open and unguarded. Miles could find no words to express the warmth of feeling that was suddenly flooding his body, and so instead he reached out, cupped his hand to Alex’s face, and pulled him forwards into a kiss.

Alex’s mouth was hot and tasted faintly sweet, and Miles kept kissing him until the rest of the world seemed to fall away, leaving only the two of them locked in their embrace. When he did finally pull back, he opened his eyes to see Alex staring at him with flushed cheeks and a faraway expression on his face.

“Miles,” he whispered.

Miles nodded in response, his heart beginning to beat faster. He kissed Alex again, and then he gently pushed him over on to his back. He didn’t hesitate any longer, but sat astride Alex’s waist and began to kiss him all over his hot and burning skin, all across his chest and his stomach and his hips. When he reached the waistband of Alex’s boxers, he tugged them down and discarded them. He paused and looked back up at Alex.

Alex was already nodding at him. “Please,” he said.

Miles bent his head again and took Alex in his mouth, and Alex uttered a cry that was almost a sob. His body went taut and he curled a hand in Miles’s hair. Miles moved his tongue and Alex cried out again. The sound made Miles ache with his own fierce desire.

Alex gave a light tug on his hair. “Miles,” he said. “I need you to… I need…”

Miles understood what Alex was trying to say, but there was something he had to know first. “Have you… ever done this before?” he said.

“No,” Alex said. “First time.”

Miles exhaled slowly. “And are you sure?”

“Fuck, yes.”

Miles shivered. “Alright then,” he said. “We’ll go slow.” He pressed another kiss to Alex’s stomach and he felt Alex shudder. He reached for the bottle of lube that he’d extracted from Alex’s back pocket. “Try to stay relaxed,” he said. “If it gets too much, we’ll stop.”

Alex inhaled a deep breath and closed his eyes. His expression was full of nothing but trust, and he looked so beautiful, lying there amongst all the tangled sheets, that it made Miles’s chest ache with fondness and warmth. He settled himself carefully between Alex’s legs and began to stroke him with one hand. With his other hand, he reached underneath and pressed his fingers lightly against Alex’s entrance. Alex let out a low murmur, and then his breath hitched as Miles began to push slowly inside.

“Ssssh, breathe for me,” Miles said.

He resumed the pressing of his fingers and Alex began to breathe more heavily. After another minute or two he began to pant. Miles curled his fingers experimentally, and Alex made a choking sound and arched his back away from the bed.

“ _Christ_ , that feels–“

Alex’s words dissolved into a whine as Miles moved his fingers again. He grabbed hold of Miles’s arm. “Miles,” he said. His voice was thick and heavy, his breathing fast and irregular. “Miles,” he said again. “I need you.”

Miles withdrew his hand slowly and Alex moaned. He leaned down and pressed a firm kiss to Alex’s mouth. He could hear his heart beating in his ears. He fumbled at his own remaining clothing, then tossed his jeans and boxers on to the floor. He took himself in hand and used the lube to make himself slick. He could sense Alex watching him.

As soon as he was ready, he lowered himself back down towards Alex’s chest. “Wrap your legs around me,” he said.

Alex hooked his legs around Miles’s lower back and Miles shuddered as he pressed himself close to Alex’s body. He took in a deep breath, and began to inch slowly forward. Alex hissed and his eyes squeezed shut, and Miles stopped at once. He withdrew and waited for Alex to look at him.

“Okay?” he said.

Alex nodded shakily. “Okay.”

Miles pushed forward again, and then withdrew again as Alex tensed up. “Breathe,” he said softly. “I won’t hurt you.”

Alex reached up and threaded his fingers into Miles’s hair. “I know,” he said.

Miles waited for Alex to nod again, and then he pressed down once more, and this time he groaned. All at once he could feel the heat and the pressure of Alex’s body all around him and for a moment it was almost too much. He tensed and forced himself to wait until the feeling subsided. Then he opened his eyes and looked at Alex.

They stared at each other and for a few seconds neither one of them moved. There was no sound at all in the room except for the two of them breathing. Then, Miles slowly reached for Alex’s hands. He interlaced their fingers together and gently pinned Alex down against the bed. Alex’s eyes went wide. He began to breathe faster. Miles pressed his lips to Alex’s mouth one final time, and then he started to make slow, shallow thrusts.

Alex moaned softly as Miles moved. His eyes closed and his head fell back amongst the pillows. Miles pressed a kiss to his throat and Alex moaned again. He tightened his grip on Alex’s hands and deepened the thrust of his hips. 

“Oh… my god… Miles… _fuck_ –“

Miles began to move faster, and Alex whimpered. Miles shuddered at the sound. Seeing Alex so completely undone beneath him was sending heat racing across his skin. It was all he could do to stop himself from succumbing immediately to the pulsing ache between his thighs. He couldn’t tear his gaze away from Alex’s face. Alex’s eyes were still closed, his lips parted, and he kept uttering soft little cries in response to what Miles was doing to him. Miles could feel Alex everywhere, the heat and hardness of him between their bodies, the sweat on his skin, the pulse of his heartbeat. Miles started to feel as though he was floating, and he groaned aloud as wave after wave of pleasure and desire began to course through his body.

Alex gave a low frustrated whine and started to struggle to free his hands from where Miles had pinned them. He opened his eyes and stared up at Miles. Miles continued to thrust. They were close enough to kiss, but instead they just watched each other, and Miles felt himself beginning to come apart under the intensity of that shared gaze.

“Miles,” Alex said, his voice breathless. “I need… please… touch me…“

Miles almost considered ignoring the plaintive request. He would’ve liked to have teased Alex a little longer, in return for how Alex had made him suffer at the restaurant the previous day. However, he wasn’t sure he had the stamina for it – not this time. His need for Alex was burning through his body like a white hot flame, consuming every part of him. He gave a wordless nod, pressed a shaky kiss to Alex’s lips, and then reached down to take hold of him with his fist. He started to pump his hand in time with his thrusts, and as he did so Alex’s moans began to grow louder, more insistent, and higher in pitch, until eventually he was gasping and panting with Miles’s every movement.

Miles was struggling to hold on. Alex’s cries were destroying his sanity, pushing him closer and closer towards the edge. He could feel it building in him, and the feeling was somewhere between ecstasy and agony. Everything in him was coiled tight and aching for release, and with every thrust he felt the tightness of Alex’s body around him, gripping him, propelling him towards that point of no return.

And then, without warning, Alex arched his hips upwards. His hands closed into tight fists and he gripped desperately at the bed sheets, and the intensity of the pleasure on his face was so explicit that Miles felt himself losing his grip. He couldn’t hold back any more. He heard himself sob aloud, and then his whole body was exploding and everything flew apart – he was airborne, flying, soaring, and the pleasure that pulsed through him was like an endless surging river, and in the midst of it all was Alex crying out his name. He gave two more final, powerful thrusts and he felt Alex spill over his hand, and then he shuddered violently and collapsed against Alex’s shoulder. His breath came in ragged gasps and he lay there shivering, unable to move, unable to think.

Slowly, very slowly, consciousness returned. The world began to fade back into view, and Miles inhaled a deep breath and blinked. He became aware that Alex was trembling beneath him, and with difficulty he lifted himself free and sank down on to the bed beside him. He pulled Alex into his arms and held him tight against his chest. He stroked his fingers through Alex’s hair and planted some soft kisses against his face. After a moment or two, Alex reached out and wrapped his arms around Miles’s waist.

“Are you okay?” Miles whispered.

Alex nodded but didn’t speak. He was still shaking. Miles gripped him tighter and rubbed a soothing hand up and down his back. The two of them lay pressed together saying nothing, and for a while time seemed to stand still.

At last, the shivers subsided, but they watched each other for a while longer in silence. Miles continued to let his fingers trail through Alex’s hair. Finally Alex leaned forward and pressed his lips close to Miles’s ear.

“Miles?” he whispered.

“Yeah?”

Alex paused, and for a moment all Miles could hear was him breathing. When at last he spoke, his voice was so soft that Miles wouldn’t have heard it at all if Alex hadn’t been pressed so close. “Miles,” he whispered a second time. “I love you.”

Miles suddenly felt like he was flying again. He exhaled deeply, shut his eyes, and pulled Alex closer. “I love you too,” he said.

***

When Miles woke, the sun was low in the sky and outside the window the clouds were glowing pink and orange. Alex was curled against him, his eyes closed, his body warm and heavy with sleep. Miles brushed Alex's tangled hair back from his face and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead.

From downstairs, he thought he could hear the sound of the radio, which probably meant that Matt was home. He felt himself blush at the memory of him and Alex making out on the sofa, and of Alex pulling his t-shirt up and over his head. No doubt Alex had thoughtlessly left that t-shirt lying in the middle of the living room floor, where Matt had probably already discovered it. Perhaps that was the reason that Matt hadn’t come upstairs to disturb them.

Alex stirred in his sleep and then blinked and opened his eyes. He looked at Miles and a warm, sleepy smile spread over his face. “Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” Miles said. “Did I wear you out?”

Alex stretched and then grinned. “Only temporarily.”

“You wanna get something to eat?”

“Yeah, in a minute,” Alex said. “Can we stay here just a little bit longer?”

Miles smiled at him. “Course we can.”

Alex yawned and stretched again, and then he wrapped both arms around Miles and pulled him close. “I’m really gonna miss ya when we’re on tour,” he said.

“We’ll still see each other,” Miles said. “I’ll be with ya for some of it, and after that… we’ll find time, somehow… in the spaces between things.”

“It’s not enough, though, is it?” Alex said. “I wish we could be together all the time.”

“Well, maybe the two of us will go on tour again, someday.”

Alex smiled. “I can imagine us doin’ that,” he said.

“Me too,” Miles said. He stroked his fingers through Alex’s hair once more, then drew in a breath. “Al?”

“Yeah?”

“What happens to us now? Do you wanna keep this quiet… or do ya want the whole world to know?”

Alex looked at him with a serious expression. “What would you prefer?”

Miles hesitated. He looked back at Alex. “I think… I think the world owns a big enough piece of us already, don’t you?” he said. “Maybe this is one piece that we keep just for ourselves.”

Alex seemed to consider his words. “I don’t know,” he said eventually. “I feel like I could be more honest wi’ the world, if I’ve got you standing next to me.”

Miles gave him a fond smile. “Might be more fun to keep ‘em guessing though, eh?”

Alex grinned. “Yeah, maybe you’re right,” he said.

Miles stomach gave a low rumble. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s get Matt to order us some take out and then we can sit and listen to him take the piss out of us.”

Alex laughed. “Sounds like a plan.”

Miles stood up, a little shakily still, and gathered his clothes up from the floor. The bed was in ruins; it looked as if it had been hit by a whirlwind, and so did Alex’s hair – there was little Alex could do to salvage it this time, so in the end he just gave up and let it be.

As they dressed, Miles’s head danced with unanswered questions – like whether or not they were going to let the rest of the Monkeys in on their secret, and whether or not Alex was going to explain the situation to his girlfriend. He shook his head slightly and dismissed the thoughts. No doubt such things would work themselves out in their own way, and in their own time.

What mattered most to him right now was the present moment. It was enough that Alex was here by his side, and that they would have the chance to continue their journey together, wherever it took them. They would write their music, make their records, tour the world, and love one another. That was all that really mattered, in the end, and it was more than just enough – it was everything.

Miles turned to face Alex. “So,” he said. “Are ya ready to go out there and face the music?”

Alex smiled back at him. He reached out and took Miles’s hand. “I’m ready,” he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew.
> 
> Writing this fic has been a pretty intense and emotional ride - thank you *so much* guys for sharing it with me, and for all your amazing comments and support, it really means a lot xx
> 
> If anyone wants to stay in touch or chat more, I'm elorianna on tumblr - come find me :)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is set during 2012-2013 – the canonical context is Alex’s relocation to LA, and the writing/recording of both the AM record and Miles's second solo album. The story is completely written and I’ll be adding more chapters as soon as I can format them, so expect regular updates!
> 
> This is my first attempt at a longer slow burn fic so I hope you guys like it :)


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